Totally Not A Date (Indigo/Jory)

[Jory Addison]

Jory was perfectly happy with the silence and, other than munching on popcorn or sipping from his drink every so often, made little noise. The flashes of scenes on the screen did little to distract him from the gentle feel and weight of Indigo around him, and he wouldn't have wanted it to. Even when the movie finally started he thought little of it.

[Indigo Noble]

It was easy enough to get into the movie, but impossible to forget that Jory was tucked against him. Every time their hands brushed in the popcorn tub Indigo had the urge to grab hold of Jory's, but he forced himself not to. There was also the temptation of Jory's hair as he leaned into it. Indigo couldn't help himself. Maybe he nuzzled into that short, wild hair. Maybe he pressed a kiss to the top of Jory's head just to see if he'd notice.

[Jory Addison]

Just for now, Jory pretended he didn't notice, because somehow he thought that if he did notice he would be required to put a stop to it. It took all the self-control he had not to respond. It felt good and it hurt, and it was wonderful and horrible and he hated the tight rope they had to walk. He wondered if it would be easier if he didn't have any self-control. Hadn't he heard in the past that it was easier to beg forgiveness than it was to ask permission?

[Indigo Noble]

Indigo knew he shouldn't be doing this, and when Jory didn't stop him, he had to admit to himself that he knew better. He didn't need Jory to tell him that any kind of kiss was against the rules, even just a soft one to the top of Jory's ear. He did it anyway.

[Jory Addison]

Jory's eyes closed at that dangerous bit of contact. He was sure that if Indigo did go so far as to kiss him he wouldn't be strong enough to pull away. He wasn't sure if he was strong enough to stop said kiss from happening in the first place. After a moment, he managed to lift his head and open his eyes to look at Indigo in the darkness.

When had it fallen to him to be the responsible one, the one who had the control? He'd never had the capability in the past and it had done nothing but get him in trouble. And it was his fault they couldn't do anything, anyway, he was the one who had felt the need to move forward in life, his job was the reason they had to hold themselves back.

He forced himself to speak, his voice barely a whisper. "Help me be strong," he said, "because I want to kiss you so badly I can barely stand it." And he had so little practice being the strong one.

[Indigo Noble]

That plea made it so much worse, and for a long moment, Indigo made no move either way. He wanted it too, so badly that it hurt, and it was so easy to tell himself that there was nothing wrong with it! They were practically the same age, they'd been friends for so long now, and it was so near the end of school!

But that was impatience talking, wasn't it? School was nearly over, just over a month left and Jory would be able to keep what he'd worked so hard for.

Help me be strong.

Why? Why couldn't they just be together? Why couldn't they just hide it like they'd been hiding the rest? Why couldn't they have just one kiss?

Selfish, he told himself. Even if he didn't care if he got in trouble, Jory did. This could screw things up for Jory, all because he couldn't wait any longer?

All at once, Indigo grabbed the popcorn bucket and stood. "I need some air," he said. "I've got to use the bathroom." He had to break the spell or he was going to do it. The only way to stop it would be distance.

[Jory Addison]

Jory turned in his seat to fully face forward, but looked down instead of at whatever jump-scare had just happened on screen to make a couple of girls scream. A shaking hand came up to lightly cover his eyes as a thousand thoughts he'd been having daily since Indigo had come into his office that first time swarmed his mind. It would be a straight lie for him to say his thoughts had never stalled sleep or kept him in the shower bouncing what ifs and I wishes. "I might follow in a second," he said softly.

[Indigo Noble]

No, Indigo thought, but couldn't bring himself to say it. He left the popcorn with Jory and left before he could do or say anything stupid. Jory had said he might follow, might. Or he might come to his senses—they both might—and they could congratulate themselves on having braved through temptation. Indigo left briskly and headed for the nearest men's room.

[Jory Addison]

Jory wanted to follow, mostly not even for the reasons Indigo may have thought. He wanted to apologize for being the reason they couldn't do what they wanted and for having to turn Indigo away again. It made him feel like a horrible person, like he was dangling a treat only to whisk it away at the last possible moment. Well, that was kind of exactly what he was doing, wasn't it?

He wanted to apologize and then for Indigo to tell him it was okay and that he didn't blame him. Then he wanted to go talk to someone else who would tell him they could stop holding back and they wouldn't get in trouble for being together. Just for now he didn't move, he wasn't quite ready to face bright lights when the backs of his eyes burned.

[Indigo Noble]

Indigo used the toilet, washed his hands, and splashed his face with cold water, trying to shake off everything going on in his mind. Maybe he needed to stay off the Internet for a while. It wasn't helping that the people who commented on his personal blog were telling him exactly what he wanted to hear.

If you keep it behind closed doors, how's anyone going to know?

That rule is for people who trick kids and use them. It's to prevent abuse and this isn't abuse.

It's only a couple months, Spirit. Who cares about anything this close to the end of the year?

Jory cared, that was who. He'd be a crappy friend if he pushed when he knew he shouldn't.

[Jory Addison]

Once Jory was fairly certain his eyes wouldn't begin leaking, he stood, leaving their snacks in the seats, relatively sure no one was going to steal them. He wasn't surprised to find Indigo staring at a mirror in the first bathroom he walked into. "I'm sorry we're in this situation," he said. There, at least part of what he wanted to happen happened. "I want to let go, but I'm afraid to."

[Indigo Noble]

"I shouldn't make you," Indigo said. "I want to, I want to just say screw it and screw them, but you wanted to finish the term and you should be able to." But wants and shoulds hadn't gotten them anywhere.

"I want to just tell the Headmistress so we don't have to pretend, but I don't want you to lose your job, not with a month and a half left." They were halfway there already. "It's not like you're the only one with a problem." And they hadn't done anything. Maybe Hells would have a solution they hadn't seen. Maybe she already knew.

[Jory Addison]

"I hate making you wait on me, I feel horrible about it," Jory said. He ran his hands through his hair and leaned back against the sink counter. "But I can't tell my boss I want to sleep with a student, that isn't the kind of thing that ends well." He'd heard of a professor years before who had had a relationship with a student and it had ended rather badly.

[Indigo Noble]

That was when a toilet in one of the chicken stalls flushed, and a moment later a man in his fifties emerged, looking highly uncomfortable. The man kept his gaze low as he headed for the door, and Indigo remained silent, thinking.

When the man had left, Indigo turned from the sink and looked for feet in the other stalls, but they were empty. He pulled a breath and tried to put his words into thoughts.

"Wanting isn't the same as doing," Indigo said. "We haven't done anything wrong. We'd just be asking for help, right?"

[Jory Addison]

"But what if we tell someone and we're just told we can't see each other anymore?" Jory asked, hiding his face in his hands. He let out a sound of frustration. Sometimes he wished he could tell himself what to see, even if he knew it was a bad idea to look into his own future. "This is horrible, but not being able to see you at all would be worse."