That Interview (Adara and Emilian)

[Emilian Sota]

The store was closed, the door locked, no sign out front to explain why. Emilian was in his living room, sitting tense in a chair. He couldn't sit on the couch, no, because it reminded him of the bitch that had written that horrible interview. In front of him, on a low table, lay the paper, opened up to the interview. Beside of it was a few rolls of parchment, a quill, and ink. He had sent an owl to Adara, asking her to come and telling her how to unlock the door so that she could get in. He hadn't slept well since the interview with Dahlia, and reading the interview hadn't helped him. The night before he hadn't slept at all.

Because of that interview, Emilian hadn't had a chance to tell Adara himself, and he knew that that fact would make it all the worse. Still, he wanted her to come, he needed to set things straight and try to do something he should have done long beforehand. He hadn't looked in a mirror, so he didn't know that he had dark circles under his eyes, or that his entire face seemed strange, or that his hair was messy from the many times he had run his hands through it. Altogether he looked rough, but that was understandable, considering the circumstances. He looked up at the door, praying that Adara would soon come, he was a minute from writing another owl.

[Adara Snow]

Adara had meant to come, she'd even promised Dru that she would come, if only to see what Emilian had to say, to give him the chance that her heart screamed for her to give, but her mind screamed wasn't worth giving. She had sat in her dormitory instead, quill pressed to paper, but she was unable to write a word, her muse lost. And then the owl had come. She had looked at the note for some time, at the slant of ink on parchment, her eyes tearing. He wanted her to come. His beautiful shop was closed, and he wanted her to come to him.

A moment's uncharacteristic rebellion blazed through her. Why did he want her to come? To tell her again that it wasn't his fault, that he had been unable to control his urges? But Dru's words came back to her. She needed to let him try to make things right, and from all appearances, perhaps that was what he was trying to do.

And so Adara had come. She had dressed in a long skirt and a blouse with long sleeves in the futile hope that, if he touched her, the thin barriers of silk and linen would give her the strength not to simply fall into his arms and let herself forget.

She had felt like a thief letting herself in and stealing through an empty shop. Her nerves were all on alert as she let herself up the narrow staircase to his living room. She could recall the last time she had been here as though she were a ghost in the memory, and the thoughts did little for her strength. Nor did the sight of him when she stopped in the doorway.

She had never seen him look anything but his best, and the tired marks under his eyes, those that matched the weary smudges beneath her own, were instantly apparent. Her gaze moved over him, trying to decide what it all meant as she took him in with the room. Was it the article that had affected him so? Was it her?

[Emilian Sota]

Emilian had heard the front door and then, a minute later, the staircase door open, and then Adara's soft footsteps on the stairs. A deep feeling of dread settled in his chest, making it hard to breathe and making his heartbeat easy to feel through the strange numbness that spread through him when he heard the doorknob turn. And then she was there, standing in the doorway, the marks underneath her eyes doing nothing to hide how beautiful she was.

After a second of silence, Emilian stood, "Adara." His voice sounded strange to his ears, tense and strained. "Sit down?" he offered, gesturing to a chair close to the one he had been in, a plush armchair that would hopefully make her at least a little comfortable. He didn't point her to the couch, he didn't like the idea of her sitting on the same thing that he had been on with Dahlia. The conversation wasn't going to be pleasant as it was, and he didn't need another distraction.

[Adara Snow]

Adara's gaze flickered to the couch all the same, and her stomach clenched, bile churning in the back of her throat. We settled together on his sofa... Why else would he ask her to sit in a chair rather than beside him? They had sex!

She perched on the chair Emilian had offered, her spine rigidly straight as she looked toward the windows, out into the world rather than at him. She was giving him this chance, but it was his, and she couldn't help him. As always when faced with such difficulty, she had fallen into silence.

[Emilian Sota]

Emilian watched her, even if she wouldn't look at him. She was hurt, he knew she would be, but seeing it was so very much worse. He didn't, couldn't sit down. Instead he paced the room, trying to find the words to start with. "I don't know where to start or what to say. But everything that I say will be the truth, I'm just going to start from the beginning of that interview, is that alright?" He looked at her, hoping to get some reaction from her, to at least make sure that if he did that, he would answer her unspoken questions.

[Adara Snow]

Adara looked at Emilian then, pain easy to read in her dark eyes, no matter how hard she worked to keep her face unreadable. She nodded her assent, but couldn't find it in her to give him any words of comfort. She was here to give him a chance that she couldn't by any stretch of the imagination see working out. What could he say that would make things right? But she would listen, she would listen and try to understand. He said that he would tell only the truth. He said. She did not know if she could believe him.

[Emilian Sota]

Emilian grimaced at the look in her eyes, his throat tightening. The urge to take her in his arms and kiss it all away was almost too much. Instead, he went over to the table to look down at the paper, as if he hadn't already memorized everything it said. "I know it's not the most important thing in here, but back when you first started to get me to talk you found out that I loved someone. And she hit the nail on the head when she mentioned Michael. I loved him deeply."

He didn't know why, but it felt important that Adara know who the one person was that he had loved and trusted. "I don't anymore, I realized it was useless, and he was replaced." That was all he would say on the matter, he would come back to the idea that Michael had been replaced later. How fitting was it that the next topic in the interview was the point that he had ignored Adara?

"It says then that I didn't want to talk about you, that I didn't think you worth mentioning," he said, continuing his pacing. "That isn't a fair statement. I can barely talk to you about us, much less some woman that's all over me." After that, the printed interview and the memory he had of the interview started to differ. He paused to let it sink in for her before continuing, doubting by now that she would say something to him.

[Adara Snow]

Adara was already in such a whirlwind of emotion that she could hardly hear Emilian for the rush of blood pounding in her ears. He had said so little, and yet so very much. He had loved Michael deeply, in the way that the article implied, in a way that Adara had never even dreamed that a man could love another man. And he was replaced.

What did it mean? She wanted to demand answers, but she couldn't, not if she was going to give Emilian his chance. She bit her lip to keep quiet, though her eyes were already tearing up as she stared down at the newspaper, irrationally hating it.

And then she'd heard more rational reasoning. I can barely talk to you about us. That much she knew was true. If it wasn't buried behind the shield of her story, he couldn't speak of it. Even with the shield it was difficult. The rest she couldn't bear to think of. The woman was all over him. Of course she was. It was never his fault, was it?

Adara remained silent, glaring at the article, eyes glistening with tears. Her lip stood no chance of protesting the rough treatment her teeth were giving. Her attention was focused on Emilian.

[Emilian Sota]

Emilian watched her, silently begging her to say something. When she just stared at the the paper he ran a tired, angry hand through his hair and went over to pick it up, needing something to look at. "These....these are my answers. Every word that it says I said is true. But her questions are different. She changed them. She made it seem like I had planned to rape Savannah, but I didn't. She led me into that answer about where it happened, she asked me if it was the corridors or the Common Room, I didn't bring those up on my own."

It probably sounded like an excuse, but he hoped that if Adara could see the woman for a liar, then she would be more likely to believe what he was saying. He licked his lips. "I didn't plan on doing anything to Savannah. I had met up with her my first day here and we had a fight. Then up in the owlery, I was sending an owl to my parents, she was there and we talked. I could see in her eyes that she was unsure about if she wanted me or not, or if she really loved Ryan.

"And so I tried to convince her to be with me, and when she didn't go along with it," Emilian stopped suddenly, the words choking him for some reason. It didn't make sense, he swallowed hard and found his voice. "I forced her to. Yes, I enjoyed it. Yes, if I were put back in that tower, back at that exact time, I wouldn't change anything. But...I know it hurts you, and that makes me feel...."

He struggled for a minute, trying to find the right word. "Ashamed? Because I know how you see me, and to know that I enjoyed raping someone must hurt worse than I can imagine." He looked at her, finally pulling his eyes from the paper in front of him, hoping that the tears that he could see so well in her face didn't fall.

[Adara Snow]

Adara couldn't stay quiet a moment longer. She felt as though she might explode if she simply waited for him to go on. "I cannot understand, Emilian!" She looked up at him, her eyes pleading for something that she could not vocalize. "How can I believe that you are ashamed when you say that you enjoyed it, and that you would enjoy it again? You wanted her to hurt, you wanted her to fear you! You are ashamed only because I know!"

She looked away, choking on a breath, her vision blurring with the tears that she refused to let fall. "Do you feel powerful hurting me, Emilian?" Her arms crossed over her body, a silent declaration of distance, of protecting herself.

[Emilian Sota]

Emilian's lips parted in stunned silence after Adara's question. How could he explain to her, how could he convey to her everything that he was feeling and thinking? He wanted so badly to hold her. He licked his lips again and struggled to find his voice. "No, I feel like I am an inch tall when I hurt you. I've never felt anything so strongly as the pain I feel when I see the hurt in your eyes. I wish I could take it all away, I would rather feel all of your pain for you instead of see you like this."

Emilian chewed his lip and fell into the chair he had been in when Adara had walked in, beside of her. He sat on the very edge of the chair, possibly even more tense than he had been before he had started to talk. He buried his face in his hands, hating everything that had happened. The acceptance of his feelings for Adara was hard for him, and having to reveal them to her at the same time made it all the harder.

[Adara Snow]

"Do you feel powerless?" Adara asked, the quietness of her voice at odds with the undeniable tension. She let that question sit for a moment, let him think what he would before she gave him the connection that he might have otherwise missed. "It does not matter how...stubborn or willful, how cruel, she felt pain. Her pain was far worse than yours. I feel no pity for you, Emilian. I do not enjoy your pain, but I will not say that I am sorry you feel it. At least you are feeling something." She could see his pain, feel it, but she forced herself to stay distant, to keep herself sane.

[Emilian Sota]

Emilian stared up at Adara, pulling his hands away from his face. "Yes, fine, if that's how you want to describe it, then yes I feel powerless." He stood up again and started to pace again, angrily. "I know that it was wrong to do, I'm not an idiot, I understand. I just didn't care. I saw something I wanted and I took it. You accepted it before, why the hell is it such a big deal now?" Emilian asked, shooting a look at her. He knew that it was something important, but if she had been fine with it before the interview, then why did the interview make such a difference? That was something he didn't understand. After that initial meeting, he hadn't hidden it from her.

[Adara Snow]

Adara could not meet Emilian's eyes, her own swimming with hurt, confusion, and near desperation. "I knew, but I did not understand," she said. Her hands lowered to her skirt and plucked at the material. "I still want to understand, Emilian, and this..." She glanced at the newspaper, her eyes narrowed, and she looked quickly back at her hands. "This showed me...how very little I knew. It made me doubt what I know."

[Emilian Sota]

Emilian watched her, his teeth doing wonders to his lower lip. He paced around the room for a minute, trying to think, what did she doubt? What did she know? "You know that you're special to me, you know that I've opened up to you more than I have to anyone. I'm a horrible person, you know that, too. What do you doubt? Adara, I want to make this better, but I don't know how!"

He was practically rambling, but he didn't care, he had been thinking those very words for so long that they had just spilled from his lips. He wasn't looking at her, he was talking as he paced. "I don't want you to walk out of that door hating me because of that damned interview! Tell me what to do." He finally looked up at her, feeling a little stupid for letting it all out like that, even if there was so much more left in his head just begging to get out. His eyes pleaded for an answer.