Adara Snow
Ravenclaw
Alumna 2012; Head Girl
love me dead
Posts: 1,498
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Post by Adara Snow on May 2, 2008 20:06:10 GMT -5
"I do not know, Emilian!" Adara cried. It was so much to take in, so much to think about all at once. He'd admitted she was special, practically a declaration of emotion from him, and she knew, if she was right about anything, that she was right about his caring for her. He only wanted to make it right. It was exactly what Dru had said, and she could see how badly he wanted it, likely as badly as she did. He thought he was a horrible person--she didn't believe that he was simply repeating what others had said. He believed it, and rather than fight it, he had given in to it. She wanted to argue, but everything he'd confessed came down to his last few words. I don't want you to walk out of that door hating me.
Adara took deep, shaking breaths, trying desperately to sort her thoughts. "I do not hate you," she said, her gaze focused on the motion of her fingers twisting the fine linen of her clothes. "I was...angry...disappointed...hurt, but would I have hurt had I hated you?" Was she even capable of hate? "I can not hate you, Emilian."
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Post by Emilian Sota on May 2, 2008 20:26:18 GMT -5
Emilian stared at her, taking her in. It was hard, he didn't know why he wanted so badly to make everything right. The only thing he knew was that she was the first person to trust him, to really care about him, the first person he had really, truly trusted, and he didn't want to let that go. It didn't make any sense that she didn't hate him, he had done everything humanly possible short of attacking her to give her reason to hate him.
"How can you not hate me? I had sex with that woman!" Adara had been ready to murder him when he had admitted that he had just kissed Eloise. "I've been bad to you," he said, for a selfish reason, he wanted to hear her tell him that she didn't care, that it was alright. Something he never would have guessed he would want.
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Adara Snow
Ravenclaw
Alumna 2012; Head Girl
love me dead
Posts: 1,498
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Post by Adara Snow on May 2, 2008 20:53:45 GMT -5
"Ich weiß, Emilian! Sie brauchen nicht, das Messer in meiner Rückseite zu verdrehen, die Beschädigung sind getan worden!" Adara clenched a fistful of deeply wrinkled skirt and looked up at Emilian, hurt and anger indistinguishable from one another in her eyes. "I know, and it hurts!" she exclaimed, forcing herself back to English. "You acted stupidly, and thoughtlessly, but I cannot imagine it was deliberate cruelty. You have been good to me, when we are together. Am I to hate you for weakness?" She jerked her gaze away from him to stare angrily at the nearest window.
(((OOC: for the interested, the German--according to babelfish--translates to: I know, Emilian! You do not need to twist the knife in my back, the damage has been done!)))
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Post by Emilian Sota on May 2, 2008 21:11:39 GMT -5
"I should be hated! I deserve to be punished for everything I've done! I willingly went along with her, I didn't even try to stop myself, because it felt good. But then, the second I was able to think straight, I realized....and this feeling came over me, and I kicked her out, I shoved her out of my door." The dark feeling that had entered his chest at that moment hadn't left him since, it was still there, festering and growing. Emilian had just told Adara that he had enjoyed being with Dahlia, and he looked away from her, not wanting to see her reaction, immediately regretting it.
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Adara Snow
Ravenclaw
Alumna 2012; Head Girl
love me dead
Posts: 1,498
|
Post by Adara Snow on May 5, 2008 3:14:05 GMT -5
Adara felt as though she could scream, cry to the heavens, and still feel as though her chest was being crushed from within. Her brows knitted, marring the porcelain smoothness of her face as she struggled to form words. "I can not understand how you do these things, knowing you will hate yourself for them," she began shakily. "And how can you profess not to regret them when you hate yourself for them? Is that guilt, Emilian? Would you have me hate you to justify your actions?" She shook her head and looked down, away from the windows to her fingers plucking at her skirt. "I will not do that for you. I care too much to give up. If that damns my soul along with yours, so be it. It is far too late to pretend that I never cared for you."
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Post by Emilian Sota on May 5, 2008 8:07:16 GMT -5
Emilian went up to a window and glared out across the land behind Hogsmeade, Hogwarts was visible off to the right, to the left mountains raised up from the ground. He was confused. In his mind everything made sense, in his mind he understood. And then he tried to put it to words and it didn't make sense. He took a minute to try and figure out how to tell Adara what was going through his mind.
"I hate myself for being with that woman," he still refused to say the name in front of Adara. "And I regret it, I regret kissing Eloise, hopefully she'll stay away from me now..." he said absently, trailing off for a minute and remembering her visit before speaking again. "I regret trying to go after Dru. I don't regret being in the fight, I don't regret what I did to Savannah, and I know that I should regret it!" Emilian turned to look back at Adara. "But I don't, and I'm sick with myself because you deserve to be with someone that's not raped or maimed or lied."
He was trying to push her away, even if that was the very last thing he wanted to do. He didn't want her to go, he cared for her, which was the same reason he was trying to convince her that she could do better. Confusion stared through his eyes at her, he wanted her to know how he felt about her, but didn't know how to tell her, how to bring it up.
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Adara Snow
Ravenclaw
Alumna 2012; Head Girl
love me dead
Posts: 1,498
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Post by Adara Snow on May 5, 2008 23:20:23 GMT -5
It was such twisted logic that it was all Adara could do to try and keep up. He continuously hated himself for something he wouldn't regret, and yet he regretted not regretting, and he regretted what he'd done since he met her. Was that the difference? Had he put an emotional wall around who he was now? Was Savannah the cutoff for who he used to be?
"Schließen sie ihre Öffnung, Emilian," Adara bit out, only allowing herself the relief of snapping at him because she realized that he couldn't understand German. "I do not wish to hear of it anymore. You regret Eloise, you regret Dru and this...other woman. It is enough. You have not lied to me, I will not punish you for your honesty." She was tired, and wanted nothing more than to simply be held by Emilian, to hear his reassurances and feel his strength. But she hadn't the strength to ask him.
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Post by Emilian Sota on May 6, 2008 14:54:28 GMT -5
Emilian literally huffed when Adara snapped at him, looking away from her. He didn't particularly care that he didn't know what she said, if he really cared enough he could spit Russian at her just as easily. Her words barely registered for him through the angry, frustrated fog that had entered his mind. His entire body was tense and he chewed angrily on his lip. The anger wasn't directed at her, it was the entire situation that had him stressed to the point of breaking.
When he looked back at her he forced down the tension to just watch her for a minute, wishing that he could make her understand and knowing that it was impossible when he didn't understand himself. He wanted to yell and kick and throw something, anything to release the emotions welling up inside of him, but he resisted, merely crossing his arms tightly across his chest and making tight fists.
Emilian stood silently for a few long minutes, getting himself under control before hesitantly walking up to her and kneeling down in front of her. He put his hands on the armrests of her chair and looked up at her, taking a deep breath before speaking. "Adara, I don't know....if this will make sense to you....but it's the only way I can think of to say it. Sex..."he paused and looked away from her for a moment before meeting her eyes again. "Sex means something when it's with you."
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Adara Snow
Ravenclaw
Alumna 2012; Head Girl
love me dead
Posts: 1,498
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Post by Adara Snow on May 10, 2008 19:26:11 GMT -5
Adara nearly choked on the sudden swell of emotion that tore through her at Emilian's words. She had lifted her eyes to see him, to give him her full attention for whatever news had necessitated his kneeling, his looking into her eyes, but now her vision swam. She blinked furiously, needing to see him, to look into his eyes and see what she had always seen; that indefinable something that he was trying to define for her.
He had told her once that sex was only physical, a momentary pleasure to distract him. He had told her that he would likely never feel anything for her. He had never lied to her. He had broken promises, but never lied. This was as close to a declaration of affection as she could hope for from Emilian.
Adara nodded, her lip fighting its way from between her teeth. "I understand," she said, the words so soft that they were barely audible. To force more from him would be cruel, and yet she could not bring herself to return the sentiment.
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Post by Emilian Sota on May 10, 2008 19:41:27 GMT -5
Emilian could see the tears in Adara's eyes and he reached up, running a hand through her hair tentatively. Even though he wished he could understand her, he let it go, praying that they were good now, or at the very least that they could move on. It probably wasn't the smartest thing to do, it was probably too soon, but Emilian couldn't stop himself, there was nothing more he could think to say. So he touched his lips to hers, a soft kiss that begged to be returned.
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Adara Snow
Ravenclaw
Alumna 2012; Head Girl
love me dead
Posts: 1,498
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Post by Adara Snow on May 10, 2008 20:02:38 GMT -5
There was a momentary stiffness, a rigid set to her spine, a tightening of her muscles, but her sadness and insecurity stood little chance against her body's natural reactions and her mind's need for the connection. Adara was closer to Emilian than she was to any other person, and it made sense to her, a strange, convoluted sense, to accept the comfort he offered, even if he had been the one to cause her pain.
For a moment, she simply allowed him to kiss her, but it was only a moment, and then her lips softened, and her hands released the crushed linen of her skirt and rose, tentatively, to settle against his chest. She could not imagine being able to go farther just now, but neither could she push him away.
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Post by Emilian Sota on May 10, 2008 20:11:44 GMT -5
For now Emilian was fine with the simple kiss, his hands coming down from the armrests to settle beside of her and lightly touching her legs. He wouldn't push her, because the tension and the stress was too much for him, he was exhausted and couldn't imagine doing anything else. He was just glad that she hadn't pulled away from him or pushed him away. The kiss remained gentle, thanks and apology rolled into one.
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Adara Snow
Ravenclaw
Alumna 2012; Head Girl
love me dead
Posts: 1,498
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Post by Adara Snow on May 10, 2008 20:17:28 GMT -5
Adara didn't want his apology; she'd had enough of it. She wanted him to make her forget, even if only for a short time. She deepened the kiss, and her fingers curled into his chest, curled around fistfuls of his shirt, trying to ground herself, trying to hold an emotional breakdown at bay by focusing on the physical, which had always come so quickly between them. She didn't want to have sex, she told herself that in what was left of her mind, even as she sought to eradicate the possibility of further thought.
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Post by Emilian Sota on May 10, 2008 20:28:24 GMT -5
Emilian moaned lightly, pulling her closer to him, to the edge of her chair. He would give her whatever she wanted, which at the moment meant giving her an intense kiss to match the feel of her fists in his shirt. He wanted to hold her, to make her forget everything he had done. But did he really want her to forget? No, because if she forgot then it didn't mean as much, no, he wanted forgiveness.
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Adara Snow
Ravenclaw
Alumna 2012; Head Girl
love me dead
Posts: 1,498
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Post by Adara Snow on May 10, 2008 20:40:35 GMT -5
The kiss was intense, everything she'd wanted, and Adara made a low sound in the back of her throat, a sound of need and desperation. Her body wanted to go on, but her heart ached so badly that she didn't allow it. Her hands remained fisted against Emilian, holding him to her, but forcing that much distance between them. Her thoughts were intangible, undecipherable, and so thickly layered that she could not put them aside, no matter how hard she kissed him.
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