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Post by Matthew Moreau on Jul 22, 2012 13:38:10 GMT -5
"Well, it's not really a personality switch, you know. I mean, I'm not so into the SM thing but Rhys is and so I do it for him. If it's important to you then hopefully he'll find a way to work with you on it, he just doesn't realize how big of a deal it is, maybe." Now Matthew was just talking out his ass. He sighed and ran a hand over his head.
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Post by Dare Blackwood-Hardt on Jul 22, 2012 13:45:31 GMT -5
"How do you do it?" Dare asked. He really did wonder. He couldn't imagine hitting Michael any more than he could imagine Michael hitting him. Did it get easier with practice? Did you have to separate yourself from it? Would it always be a miserable experience?
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Post by Matthew Moreau on Jul 22, 2012 13:49:41 GMT -5
"He needs it. I mean, that's the most simple answer. When we went to the Dom so I could watch it was kind of proven that yes, that was what he needs, yes that' what he wants. I don't get off. I treat it like anything else I would do with him that he enjoys and I don't. You know, going to a bad movie or listening to s~y music. And when it's over I hold him and tell him I love him, the aftercare's just as much for me as it is for him at that point. We don't do it often, either," Matthew said.
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Post by Dare Blackwood-Hardt on Jul 22, 2012 13:55:00 GMT -5
Dare nodded, letting himself absorb that. He tried to imagine Michael accepting that he needed what he got from Mistress V, but he was still trying to accept it himself. It helped, there was no question about that, but it still felt like a weakness more than anything. Until the night before. Then the anticipation was too high to doubt himself. And afterward. Then he was so blissfully exhausted that it was impossible to be anything else.
"Is he upstairs?" Dare asked at last.
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Post by Matthew Moreau on Jul 22, 2012 14:01:56 GMT -5
"No, he isn't," Matthew said. He stretched his legs out in front of him and looked down at his shoes. "I assume he's at his apartment." He wasn't sure how much he wanted to tell Dare, or how much he should tell. What if he told something that Rhys didn't want him to know? Oh but Rhys was telling everyone everything any-he stopped himself. He closed his eyes and gave a quick shake to his head. He didn't need that right now.
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Post by Dare Blackwood-Hardt on Jul 22, 2012 14:04:39 GMT -5
Dare's gaze paused on Matthew, then returned to his food as though he hadn't seen anything unusual. "Rough night?" he asked. He wondered what had happened, but Matthew wasn't nearly as talkative as Rhys, and he couldn't fault the man for not wanting to go into what he suspected was an argument.
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Post by Matthew Moreau on Jul 22, 2012 14:10:14 GMT -5
"Some stuff came out," Matthew said, glancing over for a moment before looking away. "He left. If he's not back by this evening I'm going to go to his place." He was silent as he thought, then he sat up in the chair again and turned to face Dare. "Be straight with me. Has he told you anything? Anything he might not have told me?"
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Post by Dare Blackwood-Hardt on Jul 22, 2012 15:58:40 GMT -5
Dare looked up almost guiltily, even before he could stop to think about what Rhys might have told him over the time they'd been together. "We've talked about pain before," he said, unsure what Matthew did or didn't know. "His summer camps," he added vaguely, "therapy, the websites he goes on. We've had a couple long talks. I mean, what do you want to know?" He knew exactly how guys with dark secrets and a heavy sense of privacy worked, having married one, and if he could help, he'd definitely try.
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Post by Matthew Moreau on Jul 22, 2012 16:03:48 GMT -5
Matthew watched Dare for a bit before shaking his head and looking down at his hands. "I know about the pain, I know in general about the damn camps, I know he goes on some BDSM sites..." Normally he would talk to Keith about this kind of thing, but he wasn't nearly as close to Keith as he once had been, and he'd never been with someone like he was with Rhys before, anyway. When he spoke again, his words were slow, well thought over. "Last night I found out he's been talking to some guys on his computer thing about some issues he's been having. Has he talked to you about what goes on in his head?"
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Post by Dare Blackwood-Hardt on Jul 22, 2012 16:18:11 GMT -5
"I know there's the pain," Dare said, "and the guilt, and religion, and he's afraid of trusting anyone. I mean, he trusts you, but there's a limit I don't think he even sees. He trusts me, but there's a limit there, too. And I knew he was, what's it called, chatting with someone. He said it's easier to tell people things on his computer than it is to tell people face to face. And we have talked about how it's harder for him to tell you things."
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Post by Matthew Moreau on Jul 22, 2012 16:26:45 GMT -5
Matthew looked up again. "What limit? Why can't he tell me these things? I could help him, that's what I'm here for, he didn't have to hide and then run off when I found out." Why was it harder to tell him than it was to tell some person Rhys probably had never even met? Maybe he had missed a lesson in school about how to talk to people or something that explained this.
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Post by Dare Blackwood-Hardt on Jul 22, 2012 16:33:26 GMT -5
Dare pulled a deep breath and ran a hand back through his hair. "Okay, I hate to bring Michael into this, considering what's going on, but Michael was terrified I was going to leave him even after we were married. He thought that there'd be one little detail, one thing that would come out some day and I'd just decide that was it and walk out.
"I don't know if that's Rhys's problem, but it fits with the guilt, right? He feels guilty because he's gay, because he slept around, because he likes getting abused a little." A lot, but Matthew knew what he meant. "He didn't tell me why, but that's my best guess. You're the best thing that's ever happened to him and he doesn't know how he deserves it. Does that sound right?"
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Post by Matthew Moreau on Jul 22, 2012 16:55:46 GMT -5
Matthew sighed and shrugged. "I guess...he said that..." A frustrated noise escaped and he rubbed his hands roughly over his face and shifted in his chair, putting his elbows on the table and leaning over his arms. "He told me yesterday evening that he has this thing in his head, these thoughts that come from all the bull he was told for years, that it takes over his mind.
"Part of it is that he'll never be happy with another man, he said his thoughts use...examples he's seen against him. He said he can't control it anymore, that it doesn't sound like him anymore." Was that too much to tell? He didn't know right now what that meant, did it mean what he thought it did? "It's like he's going mad."
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Post by Dare Blackwood-Hardt on Jul 22, 2012 17:04:18 GMT -5
A thing in his head. That could have freaked Dare the hell out if he hadn't heard things like depression referred to as monsters and stuff. Still, it took a moment for him to get that straight in his own mind. He measured his words carefully before he tried to speak, and even then he went slowly, trying to keep things straight.
"I've had a couple breakdowns," he admitted, picking at his food for the moment. "And when it happens, yeah, you can't control your thoughts. It's like reliving your worst nightmare over and over, but you can't wake up because you're there, and it's real, and you can't get out of it. I mean, things like going to Mistress V can quiet it for a while because you've got something else to think about, but when you break, it just comes at you, and there's nothing you can do." His brows knitted. He didn't know if he was making sense, but it was impossible to put that kind of self-hatred into words.
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Post by Matthew Moreau on Jul 22, 2012 21:43:26 GMT -5
"I can't even imagine what it's like," Matthew said after a few seconds of silence. It must be terrifying. "He said he had been looking into options, talking to people about it, trying to get everything figured out before telling me." Maybe that was actually a good thing, but it didn't take away from the fact that he felt left out and maybe a little abandoned.
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