I Don't Believe You (Rowan/Keith)

[Rowan Trace]

"Get out," Rowan said. He didn't like this, it was too close, too personal, and he didn't like the feelings it was dredging up. He took the few long steps back to his desk and reached for his wand, giving it a rapid flick toward the door, throwing it open. "You don't hear a word I say, and I'm done explaining remedial concepts to someone who won't absorb it. I shouldn't have to put every damned thought in my head into words to hold a bloody conversation!"

[Keith Evans]

"I'm trying, I'm not too good at the whole words thing, and it's harder when you say one thing and do another," Keith said. He had obviously hit a nerve. Apparently, that was something he was rather good at even when he wasn't trying. If he could just find the right words... "You didn't answer my question. You told me, that night, I remember, not to leave you and I never did, I've tried to do right by you."

[Rowan Trace]

Rowan recoiled at that bit of intimate confession he couldn't remember. He shook his head, trying to deny it as much to himself as Keith. He didn't want to think of himself as vulnerable or capable of dependency, and Keith was too close, far too close, for comfort. He flicked his wand again to close the door, unwilling to let anyone passing by hear Keith reveal intensely private things.

"When did you get so damned stupid?" he asked, going on the offensive and trying to throw the spotlight off himself. "When you first got to Hogwarts you were fine with the whole words thing and now you're as vapid as the rest of them. I want nothing to do with some fake 'relationship' that involves nothing but partying and making out to please you, then getting everything I've ever said thrown back in my face as proof that I'm a greedy f~ing liar. F~ you, sod off, and get out of my classroom!"

[Keith Evans]

Keith ignored Rowan's last words as easily as Rowan refused to answer what he was saying. "I can talk about school or politics or s~ like that if I want to, that's entirely different from trying to put emotions into words," he said. "And what exactly am I being stupid about right now? I'm asking questions and you're avoiding them. Do you think I want a fake relationship?" He would rather know what was going on and let things go if nothing was going to happen. But Rowan had accepted a trial.

[Rowan Trace]

"I think you won't be happy unless you're with someone as emotional and eternally horny as you are, and that's not me!" Rowan spat. "I think you're forgetting that you reminded me repeatedly at Warlock Sands that I wasn't giving you enough information about myself, or enough emotion, that you got pissed off when I wouldn't open up in front of yet more coworkers, and announced at the door that you'd be finding someone else when we got in!

"I don't need to answer your ridiculous, probing questions, and I don't need to explain my motives when you admit you can't do the same. Try examining your double-standards and find someone else who's willing to give continuously while getting nothing in return."

[Keith Evans]

"Wait, you wanted to dance with me?" Keith asked. He hadn't expected that, and he definitely hadn't expected Rowan to remember and apparently be bothered by them not dancing together. "I just wanted something that said you wanted to be with me, or cared just a little. What do you-did, what did you want me to give you?" He didn't remember Rowan ever asking for something, and why would Keith refuse to give him something?

[Rowan Trace]

Rowan didn't know what he'd wanted from Keith, couldn't answer that question any more than the others he'd been asked, but he did know that Keith was one of the most dense people on the face of the planet. "No, I suddenly decided, after taking you to clubs and raves for months, that I wouldn't dance with you anymore.

"Why does that matter to you? Why did you never once wonder why I'd let you kiss me—not always drunk, contrary to your horrendous memory—you assumed I'd be fine drinking and dancing in front of people I have no interest in getting to know, and yet... Why am I even bothering? You're determined to twist everything so that it no longer makes sense. You explain to me what the hell you thought was going on, then call yourself an idiot and save me the effort."

[Keith Evans]

Keith sat on the edge of a chair and put his head in his hands to think. He needed to sort things out. Why was it so much harder than he remembered it being? "I thought you wouldn't want to because of the night before. It matters because, hell it won't do any good to say I like you again. I only meant the first times we kissed, that kicked it off. I know I was an idiot, you don't have to f~ing tell me. I hoped everything would work out, and it was, and then you got mad at me because I was asking what I thought were innocent questions, and then it just..."

He took a breath, trying to calm himself again. "I didn't make you come to the club, you didn't have to, I asked you, I didn't say come now. You could have said no. I'm not trying to twist things, Rowan, I'm just trying to make sense of things because it's been driving me crazy, and it looks like it's been doing the same to you."

[Rowan Trace]

Rowan crossed his arms and turned away from Keith again, glaring at the window and hardly seeing the bits of castle turrets, treetops, and sky visible beyond the glass. He had told Keith that he liked him—in words as well as actions. He'd done things simply to please Keith, accepting physical contact that was pleasant, if not particularly interesting. He'd gone places he hadn't been interested in going, and he'd done his best to keep an open mind about all of it. Why had he done any of it?

Curiosity, he told himself. Keith had been interesting enough to talk to, and he'd felt secure enough in his position at Hogwarts to take a chance. He'd taken that chance, and he'd had fun with Keith, and nothing horrible had happened immediately. His friends had been nearly unbearable, but it was all in good fun.

When things went too far and he tried to take a step back, he'd found himself in Keith's bed, being told that somehow the night before, while under the influence, he'd done things he had no explanation for. Why had they kissed? He didn't know? Why had he apparently shown interest? He didn't know, and he would never know. No amount of examining a night he didn't recall would give him answers.

So they'd tried dating, or something similar to dating. No, he didn't know why he cared at all whether Keith was happy, but he'd accepted occasional physical contact, he'd searched for shells, he'd kissed Keith when asked to, and he'd dug out old school uniforms to go to a club with Keith and two other professors, all because something about Keith being happy interested him. They'd argued because Keith couldn't accept that he didn't want to talk about his past, couldn't accept that he could be logical about everything, and complained repeatedly that he'd given up sex. Not only that, but he'd complained that Rowan didn't initiate physical signs of affection. He had complained that Rowan wasn't interested in touching him!

It was ridiculous, all of it, and he wasn't interested in not being good enough. No, more than that, he specifically wished to avoid situations and people that reminded him of his alleged failings. He hadn't gotten his position as Hogwarts Charms Professor straight out of school by forcing himself to touch people, by telling stories about his childhood, by crying when a pet died or laughing at jokes with obvious punchlines. He'd done it on his own, with whatever assistance he sought out. He'd made it happen with willpower and hard work, with the same effort he put into everything. And yet Keith had accused him of holding back.

Words were useless. Words flowed like water, one into another, and they meant nothing. Sometimes you could see straight through them, and sometimes they were dark as mud. Words meant nothing. He'd respected Keith enough to show whatever he was comfortable with, and all it had brought him was confusion.

He turned back to his desk. He had explained things to Keith in the simplest terms he knew, and he was tired of it. He pulled out his chair and sat, pulling over his book once more, then pausing to re-straighten already straightened items on his desk. Maybe Keith would actually think if he remained silent this time. Maybe something would make sense to him.

[Keith Evans]

Keith accepted the silence for now. Another apology would do no good, talking was doing no good, but at least Rowan wasn't yelling or trying to kick him out now. He had hoped for too much, he had pushed too hard and asked too much, it had been too long since he had tried to get to know someone like this. But it all felt like excuses to him. He had tried to be good to Rowan, to make him enjoy their time together, and Rowan had, hadn't he?

Of course he had, or else it wouldn't have gone on as long as it had. And Rowan had wanted him to be happy, that was something. Keith was impulsive, and that didn't work with someone like Rowan. He wasn't used to this complicated dance of words that was being with Rowan, because it seemed to contradict and weave in and out without doing anything. Rowan was asexual, but he would kiss, he was against relationships but he had wanted Keith to be happy.

"I messed up, I know that. But there's nothing I can do to change what happened," he said after the silence had stretched for some unknown minutes. "I don't think you will, but then we've seen where assuming gets me, but if you gave me another chance I would do better. Would let you...tell me what you want to instead of pushing and give you the intelligent conversation that you want. Try to make you happy." It wouldn't happen, and he wasn't begging, but it felt like he needed to put it out there. He could learn, it just took time sometimes.

[Rowan Trace]

"Then what good would it do you?" Rowan asked, looking into his book for the solace and solidity which came with facts. He picked up a quill to make idle notes in the margins as he went on. "I still don't understand what you were getting out of any of it. I accept that you're attracted to me, but I also realize that you're personable and outgoing, and you don't need me any more than I need you.

"You have friends, at least one of whom would gladly give you everything you want, and it seems like it would be altogether better for you to accept a casual friendship with me so you can pursue sex wherever you want it. You weren't nearly as concerned with my past and my feelings before. As for me, if we could just kill the dramatics, yes, I would be willing to try again with whatever you decide. To be brutally honest, I've invested enough in you that it would be foolish to throw it away now, and you know how I feel about the past anyway."

The past was over and done with, and if one decided to put it aside and go on, then it didn't matter. Rowan didn't know why he was bothering to give Keith another chance, aside from the fact that Keith already knew too much about him. If he was going to attempt to branch out, Keith was just the logical choice. Yes, he'd probably be disappointed repeatedly, but it was nothing he hadn't dealt with before, and he wasn't leaving Hogwarts.

[Keith Evans]

Keith nodded, he knew, though he didn't understand. "Being with Matthew felt...empty," he said. "I would get balance from you, I think. There's a lot I can learn from you. I can't guarantee I'll do everything right, but I'm willing to try." He could do without sex if it meant trying again. "Can you put up with me making mistakes?" He was sure there would be more mistakes, had hadn't had the chance to learn everything yet.

[Rowan Trace]

"No," Rowan answered. "I think I've proved that several times now." It was meant as self-deprecation, not further insults to Keith. He'd been intolerant, he'd been cruel, and somehow Keith hadn't simply left. It made no sense, but that, as much as anything, piqued his curiosity.

"I'll try," he conceded. Perhaps it was simply that he never did anything halfway. When he set a goal, he didn't stop until he'd reached it, and he'd told Keith that he would attempt the friendship thing, and then the relationship thing. He was simply keeping his word. Yes, he liked that reasoning. He was comfortable with it.

He set down his quill and looked up, searching out Keith's gaze for the first time during the course of their discussion, for lack of a better word. "So, what now?" he asked. Rowan had little experience creating relationships of any kind, and he admitted to himself that he probably could have done a better job following Keith's lead. He wasn't sure, however, whether Keith had been leading or assuming that Rowan would simply fall into a role he'd never before filled. It would be productive to tell Keith as much, but Rowan's pride stood in the way.

[Keith Evans]

Keith leaned back in his chair, a small smile playing at his lips. "We start in on your plot to save the students from themselves?" he asked. "A couple out to change the world one detention at a time?" It was so different being the professor and seeing students doing things his own friends had done. Besides, a bit of humor was sorely needed after the past tense minutes.

[Rowan Trace]

Rowan ignored the phrase, a couple; he didn't like the implications of codependency it brought to mind. Instead, he let himself focus on the surprise that Keith's first order of business, as it were, was going back to their mutual educational goals. "Have you met the new Astronomy professor?" Rowan asked. "She assigned a handful of detentions on the Hogwarts Express, and we discussed getting the students in line. She has some good ideas."