I'm Fine, Honest (Dare/Michael)

[Dare Blackwood-Hardt]

Dare's gaze jumped up to Michael's again. Too much. "But...we didn't, like...have sex or anything," Dare said, practically whispering the words. It felt like a lie, though. It had been intensely intimate, and it had been sex, in a way, hadn't it? God, it was confusing. Could he still consider himself a virgin? Dare shook his head slightly, at himself and his own thoughts. "We didn't, did we?" he asked softly. Michael had been as far as Dare now, and Michael at least knew someone who'd been farther, knew more about these things.

[Michael Blackwood-Hardt]

Michael shook his head, creasing his eyebrows as he thought. He didn't consider it sex, not in the technical way, though he knew it was more than he had done with someone before. But then, if it wasn't sex, what was it? He shook his head again and closed his eyes, hunching in on himself a little more. "We didn't, not technically," he said, though his words were soft. "I don't know why I couldn't just enjoy it," he added, frustrated with himself.

[Dare Blackwood-Hardt]

Dare squeezed Michael's hand again, and brought his gaze up, putting aside his own misgivings for Michael's obvious discomfort. "Maybe you just need to get used to it?" he suggested, grimacing a bit at the way the words sounded coming out. "I mean, like the way you got used to this, to everything else," he said. Dare didn't know why he hadn't just hit that wall that Michael had, but thinking about it, when was the last time he had? When was the last time Michael had stopped him from doing something? It had been a while, hadn't it?

[Michael Blackwood-Hardt]

Michael thought for a moment, then shook his head, "It was different." He couldn't explain how it was, but it was. The rest of it, being with Dare, had all been just mental things he had needed to get by. It wasn't like that, though, it was more of a gut feeling, an instinct saying that he shouldn't have agreed to do it. Nothing else they had done had ever affected him the same way.

[Dare Blackwood-Hardt]

"How? I mean, if there's something else you want to do instead..." Dare stopped himself from going any farther on that line and sighed. He really wanted to be able to do it again, it had felt so amazing, but he couldn't imagine being able to enjoy it if he knew Michael didn't want it, too. Dare hung his head slightly, and watched their hands, watched his thumb move lightly against Michael's, then stop, unsure whether he should.

[Michael Blackwood-Hardt]

Michael pulled his legs in closer to his body, trying to make himself smaller to keep from even sensing Dare's disappointment. "I'm sorry," he said softly, bowing his head and closing his eyes against the burning he could feel just below the surface. "I didn't want to tell you," he admitted, then licked his lips nervously. He wondered how different things would be since he had said it.

[Dare Blackwood-Hardt]

Dare looked back at Michael, his brows creasing. "No, Michael it's okay. I'm glad you told me," he said, bringing his other hand across his body, shifting to draw Michael's chin up, trying to look at him. "At least this way I know, right? I love you, we won't do it if you don't want to." He'd just have to go back to getting in the dorm at curfew to take care of things. But it was better this way. At least he knew where to stop, right?

[Michael Blackwood-Hardt]

Michael tried to continue avoiding Dare's eyes, but realized that it was useless and opened his eyes to look at Dare. "But you..." he didn't finish that thought, but let the ending hang in the air. Dare had been so happy, it even came through in the drawing Michael had done, so it was hard for Michael to just accept that it was alright.

[Dare Blackwood-Hardt]

Dare blinked, his head shaking a moment as he glanced up into the trees, then back down toward Michael. "I know, I did, and I want to, but what am I going to do? I'm not going to dump you because you don't want that. I love you Michael, I really do. I wish I could...get you used to it, but you said it wasn't like that, so I don't know what else to do. I just...won't do it." Dare looked back at their hands again. It was going to be frustrating, he knew, but it had been frustrating stopping before, and they'd only done it once, so it wasn't like that much was changing.

[Michael Blackwood-Hardt]

Michael still felt horrible about it, talking hadn't helped. He wondered why he was so uptight about it, he shouldn't be, right? Wasn't he going directly against the stereotype for guys? He pulled his arm up and ran his hand through his hair, then let it settle on the back of his neck as he looked out in front of him. A thought ran through his mind, perhaps Emilian had been right, there was something wrong.

[Dare Blackwood-Hardt]

Dare squeezed Michael's hand again, then lifted it to press soft kisses against the back and Michael's knuckles. "I told you, it's fine. If it's between you being happy and me...you know, us doing that, there's not even a question. I'll wait, and it'll be fine. We'll just keep doing what we were doing before. It was working, right?" It had been, anyway. Dare looked back at their hands as he lowered them against Michael's knee. He'd be fine. They'd only done it once, it wasn't that big a deal. Even if he desperately wanted to do it again.

[Michael Blackwood-Hardt]

Michael looked over at Dare and nodded, deciding to keep his new thoughts to himself, he didn't want to bring up anything else. It was pushed to the back of his mind and he pulled his other hand away from his neck to pick up the sketchbook on his knees and lay it to the side, though his eyes paused on the happy face surrounded by curls. Then his hand went to wrap around Dare's, closing it in both of his. "I love you," he said softly, looking up at Dare.

[Dare Blackwood-Hardt]

Dare hadn't felt at all like smiling until Michael's words. It was impossible to keep brooding about what he wouldn't be getting with that reminder of everything he had. Dare's eyes met Michael's, and his lips curved slightly. "I love you too," he said. He was almost afraid to kiss Michael now, to let himself go, knowing that if he did, they'd just end up where Dare wanted more and Michael was uncomfortable. But he wanted a kiss, wanted the comfort and reassurance. Dare leaned over their hands and brought his lips to Michael's, pushing his concerns aside. He'd deal with them when they happened.

[Michael Blackwood-Hardt]

Michael was afraid they wouldn't be able to relax like they used to because of what he had said, but when Dare kissed him he was able to ignore those thoughts. He put as much emotion as he could into the kiss even as he tried to take as much as he could from it. He needed the physical reassurance that they were fine just as much as he had needed the verbal.

[Dare Blackwood-Hardt]

Dare let himself forget for now, let himself just enjoy kissing Michael. He didn't want to think about what he couldn't do, because there was still so much. And he loved Michael. It hadn't been about sex from the beginning. He wouldn't let it become about sex. Or sex-like acts, all things considered. So he proceeded almost as though their discussion hadn't happened, taking it just a bit slower. He was afraid of scaring Michael off again.