Never Before, Never Again (Emilian/Adara)

[Adara Snow]

Adara,

I'm unsure if you'll even read this, but I can not let myself get out of this this time. You know I am in therapy. One of the things that was required of me was to send out a group of letters to people I had wronged. When I was originally given the assignment I couldn't bring myself to write to you. Now, with changed circumstances, I've been thinking about it often and I have to send this.

I wronged you, I know this. I hurt you in ways I can barely imagine. If it was anything like what I felt in the weeks following you walking out my door, I feel incredibly sorry. I feel sorry anyway, Whatever I said that day, I loved you. It is hard to write that but it's true. You meant more to me than anyone ever did and that makes it hurt all the worse that I hurt you the way I did.

I will understand if you don't reply, I'll understand if you never want to speak to me or see me again, but I wanted you to know this. I sincerely apologize for any harm I have done to you, and I hope that you can move on and lead a happy life.

Emilian

Adara could remember vividly the last time she'd seen him. It had been on this very lane through Hogsmeade, a place she now studiously avoided. I just want to tell you that...that I loved you. She'd cried later, oh how she'd cried, and wished herself dead simply so that she could forget him. She couldn't forget him.

Give me permission to marry, she'd demanded, and he had. And he'd called her Princess.

The pain had been indescribable, and though she'd known she shouldn't, she'd been unable to keep her trembling fingers from opening the scroll he'd sent her. He'd said many of the same things that day and she'd been unable to listen. She'd been too near breaking simply being near him.

She didn't know why she was doing this to herself. No, that was a lie. She would never be able to move on with her life if she didn't. How could she break any further than she already had? She was a shell who did as she was told without complaint. She did her duties, obeyed her father's every word, and when she married, if she married, she would obey her husband.

So much had happened in the years since things had fallen apart. She was alone now, back in her tower, but the dreams and secret fantasies had died. She had little will of her own, and no care for it.

If it was anything like what I felt in the weeks following you walking out my door, I feel incredibly sorry.

She couldn't begin to imagine he felt half of what she had.

She stood in front of the shop now, the letter in her hand, and unrolled it again, though she re-rolled it before she could begin to read. She should return to the castle. She should tell her father that yes, she was well, that she was ready to leave school and take her rightful place, but she'd held on so tightly, let him debate her future with himself, with no input from her. She had no preference.

[Emilian Sota]

Emilian saw Adara out his window. It wasn't like he had anything else to do anymore except look through catalogues of jewelers' ideas to send out orders and keep an eye out for customers. His heart stopped for a moment when he saw her. She was as beautiful as she had ever been and his heart lurched when he thought of what he had put her through. For a few long moments he stayed behind the counter, then he pushed away from it and made his way to the door.

[Adara Snow]

There was movement in the shop. Adara's heart began to race, and she was torn between wanting to see him, as though she could tell the truth of his words with eye contact, and heading back to school at a run. She dropped her gaze instead, tense, unsure what to say, and waited for the inevitable. She didn't want to see him. She told herself that.

[Emilian Sota]

When Emilian opened the door with a gloved hand, he didn't immediately speak. He watched her for a long heartbeat before he managed to make his lips work. "I didn't really expect you to come see me," he said, then he gestured in the shop. "Do you want to come in?" He would understand if she didn't, but it would be better to have a conversation inside rather than in a door frame.

[Adara Snow]

No, she did not want to come in. She wanted to run and lose herself to her secret place and forget the world, and maybe never to wake up. "Yes, thank you," she said obediently. She couldn't help it. Whatever rebellious thoughts she'd had over the years, whatever she'd done, she'd fallen back on a lifetime of training to save herself. She stepped into the shop, ignoring the crawl of her skin at passing him, and was glad for the long sleeved blouse she wore, for its high neckline, for the long, modest skirt that gave her the pretense of cover. Had she really done those things?

[Emilian Sota]

Emilian stepped back once he closed the door, willing to give Adara ample room. Perhaps he was afraid, as well. He remembered well what thoughts had gone through his head during their last weeks and months together. "How are you?" he asked. Visceral memories of her fought for dominance in his mind when he looked at her. He remembered an evening spent in the Room of Requirement, interrupted by Michael. He remembered a visit in the hospital wing. He remembered sneaking into a masquerade ball and leading her to the gardens. He took a deep breath and another step back.

[Adara Snow]

"I'm well, thank you," Adara said automatically. How could she tell him anything? She didn't know him anymore, if she ever had. She'd thought that she had, that she'd found a treasure others would never understand, and he'd lied. And he'd cheated. And he'd let her leave without a fight.

"I received your owl," she went on, clinging to politeness. Of course, if she were truly playing by the rules she'd have brought a chaperon, but she had needed to do this alone, to set things to rest at last. "I bring best wishes, and... and a request not to contact me again." She had to move on, she had to.

[Emilian Sota]

"Oh," Emilian said softly. He would rather she sent an owl, or not replied at all, if that was all she wanted to say. "I'd hoped..." What? That she would forgive him? He didn't deserve more forgiveness for his crimes. His eyebrows creased and he looked away from her. "If that is what you want, I won't contact you anymore. I just thought that letter needed to be sent, I should have done it sooner."

[Adara Snow]

"Thank you," Adara said, keeping her gaze down. It was easier to talk to him like this, where she didn't have to see the emptiness in his eyes that she'd seen when she'd left. She refused to admit to having heard disappointment in his voice, and she refused to admit even to herself that she had not come to ask him to leave her alone. She'd come because of those stupid, naive dreams she'd had once, and that she'd struggled so hard to let go of.

[Emilian Sota]

"So...is that it, then?" Emilian asked. Disappointment teased at the edge of his voice and expression. Even if they might never be able to work as a couple, he would like to know that she didn't hate him, whether he deserved it or not. "I mean, whether it's deserved or not, it would be nice to have clear air between us." Let's talk. He wasn't sure what all he could say that wasn't in the letter. Ah, but no, he knew, and he didn't want to tell her that he had been wondering if he could be satisfied with only her for the rest of their lives, or that maybe he thought it was better for her that the pain happen all at once than in a few decades' time.

[Adara Snow]

"What do you wish to hear?" Adara asked. There was no anger behind the request. What could she possibly say that would clear the air? He knew what he'd done, that he'd hurt her. She'd said everything she could think to say. She wouldn't admit to herself, let alone to him, if she had any dreams left, any feelings, any hopes. It was better that she prove to them both that nothing was here, so that she could leave him behind at last, and he might stop telling himself he needed to apologize.

[Emilian Sota]

"I don't know, Adara," Emilian said after a long silence. He sighed heavily and leaned back against a counter, rubbing his face with his hands. "I just...do you have anything to say about what I wrote?" he asked when he was unable to come up with something else to say. It took a moment for him to be able to look up at her again.

[Adara Snow]

"If you wish forgiveness, then you are forgiven," Adara said. That was what he wanted, wasn't it? She really had nothing else to give him. She'd told him she'd loved him that last day in the streets of Hogsmeade, and she'd shown him a thousand different ways as they'd talked, as she'd shared his bed. She'd told him that she was leaving, and she hadn't left. She was a fool.

[Emilian Sota]

Emilian parted his lips to respond, but words wouldn't come. None of the people he had sent letters to had responded, much less come to visit him, and he didn't know what he had really expected. Especially not when it came to Adara. For just a moment he had a thought , that he could talk to her, that he probably still remembered enough to make her melt, but he shook it away.

He should let her leave, thank her for visiting and let her leave, but this could be the last time he saw her, couldn't it? "Are you happy now?" he asked. She didn't appear to be happy, but that could easily be because she was with him.

[Adara Snow]

Adara was silent a moment. Should she lie? Should she tell him what he wished to hear? No, she wasn't happy. She was only even content because it was expected of her. "Happiness is for fairy tales," she said softly. There was no fairy tale. There was only harsh reality and the knowledge that her life would never be her own.