Lassen Sie Mich Gehen (Emilian/Adara)

[Adara Snow]

Adara avoided Hogsmeade whenever possible. She feared that she wasn't strong enough to face Emilian, and had no reason to test herself. He'd remained in his shop, by all accounts reverting happily to his former persona, and so she remained in the castle, forgoing Hogsmeade weekends, staying behind to study, to take care of her prefect and Head Girl duties, doing exactly what was expected of her.

The slight chill in the air meant precisely nothing, aside from adding a flush to her cheeks, adding a light cloak to her wardrobe. The uncertain autumn sunshine begged meekly for forgiveness. She made her way quickly down the street now, light steps sweeping her past the storefronts in a flurry of linen and silk. There was no use wishing that her professor had sent someone else to run this errand, and she had done so without complaint. Quickly.

[Emilian Sota]

Ever since his last revealing therapy session, Emilian had been strangely subdued. There had even been a few more tentative customers entering his shop over the past few days. His hair was combed, though he hadn't tried very hard to make himself handsome, for his trip out to the store. Coming out with a full bag slug across his chest, the last person he expected to see walking towards him was Adara. He stopped in his tracks as the door shut behind him, hitting his heels and back. This was something that he hadn't planned on, he had stopped imagining seeing her again months before.

[Adara Snow]

As her mind accepted the figure ahead of her, Adara's feet slowed, her small white boots finally stopping entirely. For a moment, she only pulled breath, part of her mind demanding that she do so. Then, all at once, she gathered herself together. Her arms tightened slightly around the books pressed to her chest and she looked away as though she hadn't seen him. Her heart constricting painfully, she moved to cross the street rather than attempt to pass him.

[Emilian Sota]

Emilian watched her for a moment more before starting forward on instinct alone. "Please wait," he said, though he kept himself from touching her. It didn't feel appropriate to initiate contact with her. The words were awkward in his mouth, when was the last time he had said please and meant it? "I know it's a slim chance, but could we talk?" Even as he asked, he knew he had no clue what he would talk to her about.

[Adara Snow]

Adara bit her lip to keep from speaking, but couldn't hold back the sudden welling of tears in her eyes. She shook her head slightly, an almost invisible jerk that tossed her dark hair, and she pulled the books closer as she continued her detour. There was nothing to talk about. She wouldn't believe him if he said he was sorry, and she was a fool for hoping he might.

[Emilian Sota]

But that was precisely the thing Emilian wanted to tell her. He fell into step beside her, his head down as her familiar scent flooded his mind and body with vivid memories. "I just want to tell you that...that I loved you," he said. It was easier to say now that he had said it to others, he only wished he had been able to do it a year ago. "And that I'm so sorry for everything I did to you, for how much I hurt you." It pained some old stubborn part of him to say these things, but more than that a larger part felt as though a heavy weight was being lifted.

[Adara Snow]

A soft, gasping sob followed his confession, but Adara didn't stop or even slow. She said nothing, gave no sign that she knew he was there, aside from the reaction she couldn't control. She owed him nothing, and would not give him absolution for sins he'd committed against her. She would not give him the satisfaction.

[Emilian Sota]

She wasn't saying anything. Emilian hadn't thought she would just remain silent. "If I could change how things had happened, I would, but that does neither of us any good," he said, though he probably should have kept his mouth shut on that. "I'm in therapy, trying to fix what all is wrong with me." As though he had volunteered for it. "I wish you wouldn't cry." He wasn't even making any sense, he should have just let her go on her way.

[Adara Snow]

Adara shook her head, but couldn't have spoken now if she'd wanted to. Her throat felt swollen shut, and it was a miracle she could breathe at all. No, it was better that she remain silent.

What could she say that would mean anything at all? Should she beg him to release her from their vow, to give her permission to marry whomever she chose? She would find herself married to Herr Warin to please her father. Should she tell him things he already knew, that she'd been with no one else, that she hadn't forgotten his touch, that she hated him and loved him and could never forgive him?

I'm in therapy...

For whom? She had given herself, body and soul, and it hadn't been enough. How could she have thought she could save him? It was too little, too late. It was none of her business what he did with his life. She reminded herself that at the castle gates, she'd be free of him.

[Emilian Sota]

"If I could wave my broken wand and make you happy again, if the vow could just be removed...I would do it in a heartbeat, Adara," Emilian said, and a mottled hand came up without his willing it to. The backs of his fingers came a breath away from her soft skin, enough to send pain coursing through him, before he managed to regain control and pull them back. He curled his hand around the air and brought it back to his chest. He remained silent.

[Adara Snow]

Adara pulled back as though he'd struck her, and she nearly stumbled as she stopped walking. "Give me permission to marry," she said, her voice soft, breathless, and shaking with the effort of speech. She couldn't bear to look at him and be reminded of everything that had been, but if he meant the words, it was that easy. She didn't care if it was Herr Warin she married. Any union she formed would be empty, but she could have a child, perhaps. She could have something of the life she wanted.

[Emilian Sota]

Emilian winced. "You deserve to marry someone that will make you happy," he said. He remembered the greasy old men that had their eyes on Adara, and knew she had no chance of getting what she deserved from any of them. "I give you permission, be happy, Princess." There was a soft turn of his lips that she wouldn't see unless by some stroke of luck she decided to look up.

[Adara Snow]

Adara refused to look at him, and she nearly let her tears go at that pet name. She pulled a sharp breath. "You won't see me again," she choked, giving him nothing for his trouble but that assurance. She was nearing twenty years old now, and could hold onto Hogwarts no longer. She could leave now. She could go back to Germany and fool herself into believing that the past years were only a dream. She turned to walk again, dizzy with thought.

[Emilian Sota]

Emilian breathed a soft no before he realized he had parted his lips. "I'll miss you, I already do," he said, surprised to find it was true. Thinking of her being away entirely was entirely different from thinking of her in the castle so close. "You brought out the best in me, not that there was much to bring out." He wondered if it had ever been possible for them to patch up his last huge mistake.

[Adara Snow]

"You are cruel to tell me these things!" Adara said, the first tears escaping despite her best effort. She fumbled beneath her cloak for a hankerchief even as she walked, forgetting the safety of the castle for the need to simply go. "Let me go, let me pretend to forget!"

She could never forget, never, and she would need those memories to hold her through a loveless marriage, through the loneliness of an old age she'd spend alone and widowed. But she could pretend, she pretended every time she remembered. Dreams, nothing but dreams. She'd affected nothing.