Loneliness

[Kane Garrett]

"It's all right to tell me these things, Quinn," Kane said, softening his voice. "I'm not judging you for any of this. You can't choose your lot in life and from what I've heard and what I've seen, you're doing an amazing job dealing with all this."

[Quinn Ashwinder]

Quinn shook her head, "I'm doing a good job dwelling on the good things." She didn't deal with the bad things, they hurt to much. "I try not to think about the other things." Like where they had slept, what they had done. "My sister and I used to go into the woods and make dreams, she said they helped through tough times, then we didn't have to think about the bad things when they were happening, we just thought about the good."

[Kane Garrett]

"It's good to be able to focus on things that make you happy," Kane said, "but if you never deal with other things, they can build up until they're too big to ignore. It's healthier to face a little at a time, if that's all you can handle. You don't need to tackle all your boggarts at once. But Quinn, you didn't ignore what happened with Lyric. You found help for him. That takes courage."

[Quinn Ashwinder]

Quinn looked up, and honestly looked at the counselor for the first time. “I’m here. I may not be able to talk about it much, but I’m trying.” She knew it took effort, she wasn’t sure it was courageous to want and need to survive though, and to help others do the same. “I know what happened to Lyric could happen to me, if I don’t take care of it. I want to, I want to be healthy for myself, for him, so I can help him too.”

[Kane Garrett]

"Take care of yourself first," Kane said. "You're valuable all on your own, not only for saving others. I know how Gryffindors can be and it's an admirable trait standing up against so much for your friends. But don't lose sight of yourself. You're doing great just being here and I can see how difficult it is for you at times. You're already doing it, Quinn."

[Quinn Ashwinder]

How did she tell him that sometimes life wasn't worth living for her, sometimes she only held on for Kiley, or for others. Lyric was important, but some days even he wouldn't be able to stop what she wanted to do, only the memories that Kiley and she had made together. "I'm trying. I don't want to be a shadow for the rest of my life, dependent on something artificial to sustain the feelings of good times. I actually want to have good times." She smiled to herself, "I have those with Lyric, like when we went to the concert..." truth she told herself, "well most of the time with Lyric I don't think it's artificial."

[Kane Garrett]

Kane nodded. "Because of the drugs?" he asked, clarifying.

[Quinn Ashwinder]

"Yeah, because of the drugs. Sometimes it seems real, but sometimes I know that it isn't." She looked at her fingers, "I like Lyric, but I want to be able to like him because he wants it, not because I need a friend. I don't want to force myself into people's lives." She looked down at her fingers, "I know I don't know my boundaries sometimes, I don't know what is okay to do and what isn't."

[Kane Garrett]

"That's something that's learned," Kane said. "You learn from watching others and from listening to yourself. If something doesn't feel right, don't ignore the feeling."

[Quinn Ashwinder]

"It doesn't feel right that I need Lyric to be okay so much." She looked down at her fingers again, "I watch Markise and other people, talk to other people, and it doesn't seem like the same. Sometimes I feel like I'm giving him the significance my sister had in my life. He's not ready for that, and I don't think it's normal that I put him there, not after...well I'm not even sure what we have."

[Kane Garrett]

That was definitely a problem. "That's a lot of responsibility for one person. Your sister was and is a huge part of you, and I'm sure you know that no one could ever replace her. You said that you hadn't spoken to Markise in a while, am I right? Now would be a good time to renew that. If you think you can talk to Jory, you might try that, too. The more people you can trust, the easier it will be to find someone to talk to."

[Quinn Ashwinder]

"I can't talk to Jory, he doesn't understand me, nor do I think he really wants to. All he ever tells me is that he's just as dysfunctional because he wasn't...because his life wasn't hard. He says he wants to understand, but won't listen to an explanation and accept it." She shook her head, her eyes flashing, "and he won't help Lyric. He goes on and on about how much he cares about Lyric, but when it's important he won't act upon his alleged feelings." She hated Jory hated him. For everything he represented. For making her angry. For hurting her. For not accepting that it was okay to have a normal life, it wasn't mandatory or desirable to be dsyfunctional.

[Kane Garrett]

"Then don't seek out Jory for company," Kane said. "Different people act in different ways. His way isn't any less valid than yours no matter how introverted he is. You're very outgoing and it's great in a lot of ways, but you'll have a hard time relating to people if you expect them to hold the same standards of what is and isn't appropriate behavior, especially in a crisis. I'm not suggesting that you focus on forcing a friendship if you're not compatible, but maybe Jory's as confused as you are."

[Quinn Ashwinder]

"I don't care how confused he is, when that doctor asked if there was anything important for him to know about Lyric," Quinn burst into tears, "Jory yelled at me, because I told him that he'd had sex with both of us. It was important. I know how much Jory means to Lyric, which is why I try to talk to him, but he yelled at me for wanting to help."

[Kane Garrett]

"Do you really think he yelled at you for trying to help?" Kane asked. He summoned a box of tissues and pushed them lightly toward Quinn across the surface of the desk. "Or do you think maybe he felt like it was an invasion of his privacy? I know it seems important, and it might have been, but that's something very personal and he may have felt protective over it."