No. (Closed thread)

[Emilian Sota]

Emilian stared for a moment, and opened his lips a couple of times before he actually spoke. "No, I didn't think to send you an owl. I...just assumed you were busy," he finished lamely, realizing the fault in his logic as he said it. He could tell that he wasn't going to make it much further if Adara didn't start accepting his answers soon.

[Adara Snow]

"When have I ever been that busy, Emilian?" Adara asked. Even if she accepted his answer, that he had sent her from his flat and she had been caught in a deluge of work the very next morning, did he know her so little as to think she would send no word? When she had written to him every day while he was in Germany without even one note in return?

She had believed that he loved her, from that sultry summer evening where she'd come so close to saying the words and past their last murmured promises. If it was some change that had come over him while he had been gone from her, then she regretted her loss. But that part of her that wondered had whispered to her, what if you were wrong all this time? What if she had only needed to break the spell of being always at his side in order to see it?

[Emilian Sota]

"I don't know," Emilian said, getting frustrated. "I messed up, what else can I say?" he asked, moving a fraction of a step closer to Adara. He had almost forgotten that they were outside on the side of the street, but with a gust of wind he was reminded and he glanced over his shoulder toward his shop. Though there were much more pressing matters at hand, he still wondered when they would go inside.

[Adara Snow]

"I do not know," Adara said, keeping her distant posture as though she hadn't noticed Emilian's movement. For a moment her bottom lip wavered, asking for whatever torment her teeth might put it through. She resisted, won out, but could not seem to stop herself from speaking.

"It becomes disheartening when one realizes that one means nothing outside the boundaries of a bed or a tightly locked door. It becomes disheartening when one watches somebody one feels... an attachment to watching another with palpable interest. What should one do in such a case? Continue to be hurt and hope for a fairytale ending that will never come? That is hardly a way to live." It had worked perfectly for her. Until she had been pulled out into reality.

[Emilian Sota]

Emilian's eyebrows came together and he tried to sort through everything Adara said. "You do mean something to me outside of a bed and a locked door," he said, keeping his voice low, even though it showed the strain of the frustration he felt. "I waited," he stopped himself and looked away, taking a deep breath before starting again. "Do you think I waited all of that time in Germany for you just to keep up a ruse?"

[Adara Snow]

"How do I know?" she asked softly. "What reason to I have to believe that there will ever be anything other than secrets between us? I would have preferred you not introduce me at all to being nothing more than a girl who happened to be living with you!" Adara caught herself, and one gloved hand escaped from her cloak, holding a delicate handkerchief. She dabbed lightly at her eyes and refused to look at Emilian. "How do I know you did not forget me while you were gone?" she breathed.

[Emilian Sota]

"I didn't forget you, I haven't lied to you," Emilian said, shifting closer to her again. "I'm sorry for saying that, I should have introduced you better." So he knew that that had been wrong. But he wasn't very well going to tell Mano right then and there that he planned on marrying Adara, Mano would only have said something to make things worse.

[Adara Snow]

And once more he had only addressed the least difficult of the things she'd said, leaving the most painful entirely alone. He had made no comment on her suggestion that she had seen him watching someone the way he had used to watch her. No comment on her worry that there would never really be more than there was now, that it was no more than a dream. No reason to believe that there had been no others aside from repeating that he hadn't lied. Adara took a step backward, restoring some of the distance between them. "Why did you go to Germany, Emilian?" she asked softly.

[Emilian Sota]

Emilian was caught off-guard by that question and shifted backward. He had gone because.... "I want to be with you." That was it, wasn't it? Oh but when he thought of all the people he was missing out on, how could he say that? It was so hard to keep away, but he could remember the intense emotions that he had felt when with her. He couldn't give that away in exchange for trying others.

[Adara Snow]

"Is that all?" Adara asked softly. It didn't feel like enough to hear those words, though she knew how far he had come to be able to say them. But there was so much more. She had hoped that his answer might relieve some of her worries, and perhaps she realized that he was trying, but she was afraid to keep trying, afraid to keep hoping for things he couldn't give. The thought brought tears to her eyes that she refused to allow herself to shed.

[Emilian Sota]

Emilian blinked and then kept her eyes for long enough to think about that. Then he shook his head. "I care about you," he admitted softly, then licked his lips and looked away. He wanted to be with her, and he couldn't give that up, not the intensity of the emotions, even if he wanted so badly just to have a taste of those people he saw walking down the street. He didn't think the urge would ever go away, but he could stamp it down.

[Adara Snow]

Again the words felt empty, hollow when she had needed to ask to hear them. Adara wrapped her arms around herself beneath the thick cover of her cloak, wanting some kind of comfort, but refusing to ask it of Emilian and sure that she would be unable to accept it should he offer. Everything had been so right before he had left, and now... how had everything faded so quickly? How was it that he used to anticipate her needs as well as she anticipated his, and now they were reduced to stilted, one-sided conversation? Adara looked out into the street, far preferring to overthink than to try speaking again.

[Emilian Sota]

"Adara, I don't want it to end like this," Emilian said softly. He didn't want it to end at all. But if it ended, he wouldn't have to feel guilty about looking at other people, or even- No, he couldn't think about it like that, it wouldn't end well if he did. He couldn't see it ending any better. It was hard enough to think up good arguments when his mind wasn't thinking of every doubt it could.

[Adara Snow]

Those were not the words Adara had expected to hear, and certainly not the ones she hoped to hear. There was no stopping the tears now, though Adara cried as silently as ever. "Then how do you want it to end?" she asked. She couldn't take this. She turned on her heels. Paused, then did her best to move forward without stumbling too badly. She had only wanted some kind of proof, something that didn't have gaping holes in it or contradict itself so that she could believe again. She had wanted him to prove her wrong.

[Emilian Sota]

Emilian clenched his jaw at that question and then moved up to Adara, walking around in front of her and taking her shoulders. "I don't want it to end," he said, though he realized how flimsy a statement that sounded. "I really don't." How could he want it to end? He searched her face, but all he could see were the tears that his stupid words had caused. How could she think that he wanted it to end?