Pain

[Dare Blackwood-Hardt]

Dare stopped halfway through the shop and hung his head back, closing his eyes a moment as he tried to calm himself. There was no reason for him to feel like this. It couldn't be about Michael not wanting to be intimate, because he really didn't mind. He loved Michael, and it wasn't about sex! Or technically not sex. It was about wondering if Michael felt like he felt, and how, if he did, he didn't want what Dare wanted. It was guilt for having pushed Michael to do something that Michael wasn't comfortable with. It wasn't about Dare having been farther than Michael anymore, so what was it?

[Michael Blackwood-Hardt]

Michael went down the stairs, slowing down as he came into the stop awkwardly. He put his hands deep into his pockets and hung his head as he came closer to Dare, though he kept some distance. He wanted to just stay quiet, because he didn't want to say anything wrong and mess up, but he couldn't do it, they needed to talk. "Did I do something?" he asked softly, afraid to look up at him.

[Dare Blackwood-Hardt]

Dare straightened and opened his eyes, flicking a glance at Michael only to look away from him again when he saw Michael's posture. Dare diverted his gaze unseeing to a display of jewels glittering weakly in the dim light of the closed shop, his fringe swinging low over his face. "You didn't do anything," he said, frustration showing in the words no matter how he tried to repress it. Dare gave a heavy sigh. "You didn't, it's me, just don't worry about it," he said.

[Michael Blackwood-Hardt]

Michael looked up at Dare through his hair, as far from believing him as possible. "You know I'll worry about it," he said, watching Dare. "Tell me what's wrong." He knew that if they didn't talk about it, it wouldn't get any better, and the sooner the better. He watched Dare for a few more seconds before looking down again and shifting.

[Dare Blackwood-Hardt]

Dare glanced back up at Michael just in time to see Michael's gaze drop, and Dare's echoed the motion, moving back to the jewelry display. "Nothing's wrong," he insisted. "I told you, I'm fine, it's not about that." Which, of course, implied that it was about something else. Which it was. In a way. He didn't want to tell Michael and end up causing even more problems.

[Michael Blackwood-Hardt]

"There's something wrong, Dare," Michael said, looking up at Dare again. "Talk to me, please." As uncomfortable as it was, he kept his eyes on Dare, silently begging him to talk. Keeping things from each other wouldn't help. Michael conveniently forgot the fact that he hadn't wanted to tell Dare about that. His mind started reliving what had been going on, trying to figure out what was bothering Dare.

[Dare Blackwood-Hardt]

Dare sighed again, his left hand rising to spear into his hair, pushing his fringe back for all the good it did when it fell back into place. "I don't even know what it is," he said, trying to think, when he didn't even want to. "It's just...I don't understand why." His brows knit with the pain of not wanting to say things he knew were going to hurt Michael, and not wanting to hide them.

He turned his head slightly, trying to get some distance, and terrified he'd hear Michael walk out. "Is there...something I'm not doing for you?" Dare asked softly, then forced himself to go on, a little louder. "It's not about getting to, you know, but if it doesn't feel right..." Maybe Michael didn't feel for Dare what Dare felt for him. Maybe he couldn't, maybe Dare had pushed all of this.

[Michael Blackwood-Hardt]

Michael felt his heart drop and his breath caught momentarily as he tried to sort out exactly what Dare had said. "Dare..." His eyes dropped to the floor in front of him. "No..." he said weakly in answer to the question, Michael couldn't think of anything he wanted Dare to do that he wasn't. But if it doesn't feel right... He didn't know what to say, didn't know if there was something on his end wrong, or if Dare was thinking of leaving because he wouldn't do it, nevermind that he had just said that it's not about getting to, you know. "What do you mean?"

[Dare Blackwood-Hardt]

Dare glanced up at Michael, then, just as quickly away. "I mean..." What did he mean? What part of it didn't Michael understand? Dare tried to regroup, but his thoughts wouldn't sort. He tried again, not knowing if he'd make any more sense a second time. "Maybe I'm not good enough," he said. "Maybe I'm not enough for you. Hell, Michael, you're so far out of my league it's not even funny, and if you can't feel the same about me..." He shrugged, then closed his eyes against the prickling threat of tears.

[Michael Blackwood-Hardt]

Michael's eyebrows came together and his eyes turned up, where had Dare gotten those ideas from? He didn't think he was too good for Dare, or that Dare wasn't enough for him. If anything, Michael wondered if it wasn't the other way around, but no, he couldn't let himself think that, they had too much to work through as it was. "I don't think you're not good enough," he said softly, "And who says I don't feel the same about you? I love you..." He watched Dare for a second more before dropping his eyes.

[Dare Blackwood-Hardt]

Dare's heart felt like it was in a vise, tightening in his chest. He squeezed his eyes tight. "But you loved Anna," he said, so softly it was nearly a whisper. Dare's hand rose again, slipping beneath his fringe to rub at the moisture in his eyes. "What's not right, then?" he asked louder. "What is it? Just tell me and I'll fix it..." the words were nearly choked at the end. If Michael knew, he would tell him, wouldn't he? "I just want to make it right!"

[Michael Blackwood-Hardt]

Michael felt like the wind had been knocked out of him, why had Dare brought Anna into it? Fix it? "I didn't think there was anything wrong between us," he said, "All I said this morning was that I wasn't ready for that physical stuff, that doesn't mean that there's something wrong, doesn't mean I don't love you any less." He looked up at Dare, wanting to go to him, but rooted to the ground, "Please don't bring her into this...."

[Dare Blackwood-Hardt]

"I'm sorry!" Dare said, his voice rising and echoing through the quiet shop. He looked up at Michael, then away again, not wanting Michael to see him crying, not now. "You said it wasn't right, that it didn't feel right, I don't know! I didn't think there was anything wrong either, but you said it wasn't like everything else, and if it's not one thing, it's gotta be something else." Dare turned, unable to hold still, and dropped his sketchbook on the glass case of the display. He brought his hands to his temples, winced at the sting of his skin, then speared his hands back into his hair for one restless moment before stuffing them down as far into his pockets as they'd go.

[Michael Blackwood-Hardt]

"Maybe I'm just not ready," Michael said, "I mean, there could always be something else, but just because I don't want that doesn't change how I feel about you!" His whole body was tense, his breathing was short and his heart was pounding in his ears, he didn't have any idea what he could say to make it better. "Whatever it is, it's not you." Maybe there really was something wrong with him.

[Dare Blackwood-Hardt]

A moment of near-silence followed Michael's words, interrupted only by the heavy sounds of their breathing. Dare sniffled, then brought one hand up to wipe at his eyes before speaking. "So you think you're just not ready?" he asked. That he could understand. It was the ambiguous it felt good but didn't feel right that had worried him so much. Dare rubbed at his eyes beneath his fringe again, then tucked his hand back into his pocket.