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Post by Dahlia Alexander on Aug 21, 2008 8:17:10 GMT -5
Dearest Readers,
It seems that our Agony Aunt--Gabby Brocklesomething, was it?--has retired, leaving the coveted position wide open for yours truly. Face it; your problems are a little bigger than your usual fluff counseling column can handle, anyway. "Let your heart lead you?" Right. What you want is real advice.
That's where I step in. Put your problems to parchment and drop me an owl. Instead of the run-around, you'll get solid information without all that wishy-washy emotional nonsense.
Teen angst? Check. Mommy issues? Check. A little physical frustration? Hm, we'll see what we can slip by the Headmistress, won't we?
Who needs an hour in the counselor's office when you've got me? One little owl, and everything's done. I'm ready, darlings. All we're waiting on is you.
Your Agony Aunt,
Dahlia Alexander
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Post by Dahlia Alexander on Sept 5, 2008 8:39:21 GMT -5
Dear Plain Jane,
Obviously there's something seriously wrong with you. I mean, every guy doesn't walk right past you, does he? Do you wear makeup? Style your hair? Bathe regularly? Try a few of those things out and see what happens.
While you're at it, work on your self-image. Guys don't like whiners, you know. Try a little optimism for once!
Now, go out, invest in cosmetics, and GET THAT MAN!
And remember, self esteem is feeling good about yourself - regardless of the facts.
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Post by Dahlia Alexander on Sept 29, 2008 7:35:38 GMT -5
Dear Helpless,
It seems to me there is an appalling shortage of eligible males here. Perhaps what you need is a different approach. Stop looking at men as "distracted" or "taken." Decide who you want, and DON'T take "no" for an answer.
Now, this may take a change of wardrobe or a love potion, but as they say, "All's fair in love and war!"
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Post by Dahlia Alexander on Jan 13, 2009 9:38:41 GMT -5
Dear scorned,
Like many males, your problem is probably that you're coming on too strong. Try a little subtlety! Instead of ogling the woman, slip some innuendo into an innocent conversation. Make physical contact, on her hands or arms.
Or write her a poem or a suggestive letter. Obviously your current strategy is getting you nowhere, so try something different.
And if all else fails, set your sights on someone else! I happen to know an attractive blonde who is very available!
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Post by Dahlia Alexander on Jan 24, 2009 10:24:03 GMT -5
Two for the price of one today, darlings!
Listen, Bath:
There are very few straight available men in this town to begin with, and you're being picky? Excuse me for doubting your intentions, Miss High-and-Mighty, but perhaps your standards are set a bit too high.
Either that, or you're playing for the other team, as we journalists say.
However, if it's that you are taken, perhaps you could offer Mr. Dense a proposition. No man alive can turn down a menage a trois, but he may lose interest when he realizes that the third party is your current male companion. And if he accepts, all the better for you.
Dear Boi,
Sounds like you've got some self-esteem issues. If no one knows who you are, MAKE them notice you! Go to new places, have a drink or three (unless you can't drink, in which case I guess you're out of luck there).
Now, here are a few tried-and-true ways to get attention:
1. Be a comedian
People like to laugh. Get hold of a joke book and memorize it.
2. Be a diva
Yes, boys can do this, too; dress up every day and walk into a room like you own the place.
3. Misbehave
I know it sounds simple, but this is highly effective. Stir up a little drama for someone else. Gossip is a great deal of fun.
My final word to you: If you can't be famous, be infamous!
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Post by Dahlia Alexander on Feb 18, 2009 13:02:17 GMT -5
Dear Hopeless, If he hasn't said anything, you've got two choices: - Open yet another pack of Choco Ballos while you torment yourself with wondering
or Pretend you're advising someone else for a moment. Which would you advise? Honestly? I thought so. Put down the Choco Ballos and get dressed. Shave. Do your hair. Look him in the eyes and tell him exactly what you think. If necessary, write it on paper first and memorize at least one sentence. If all else fails, there is one sure-fire way to get your man, but it involves a vial of love potion and a hog-tie kit. |
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Post by Dahlia Alexander on Mar 19, 2009 8:35:51 GMT -5
Dear Guilty,
My advice is to just give up while you're ahead. If one gossip can cause that much trouble, then the rumors being spread are likely true. Stop pretending you're innocent and take the fall like a man. Otherwise, your opponent may just take it to the mattresses, and you would be wise not to challenge someone who can cause that much trouble just by word of mouth.
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Post by Dahlia Alexander on May 1, 2009 10:26:14 GMT -5
Dear Alone,
The Headmistress isn't letting them, per se, but what she doesn't know won't kill her. If you've got a partner, just slip out together, or slip her in when no one's listening. Just make sure you have birth control.
If you don't have a partner, the school isn't assigning them, but if you're legal, I know a fiesty blonde who's quite single.
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Post by Dahlia Alexander on Aug 22, 2010 11:41:54 GMT -5
Sorry it's been so long, darlings! The owls are simply piled up! And look! People want advice from moi. I'd hate to disappoint.
Poor ickle Stuck,
They say if you're bored, then you're boring, so you might try being interesting for a change. Who says you can't talk to your worst enemy for a laugh? Stop thinking so much and just do something. Open yourself up. Or owl the Youngblood Twins. They're sure to make you wish for boredom.
Dear Soulless Bastard,
I told you so.
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Post by Dahlia Alexander on Oct 9, 2010 13:11:10 GMT -5
Tod,
If you want to make them love you, I suggest you pay attention in class and perfect your love potions. Otherwise, try paying attention to them. Nobody likes an attention hog.
Dear Stranded,
You can keep feeling sorry for yourself, or you can do something. Instead of sitting there watching the bus go by, think ahead. What's your next move? What's your goal? If what you want is drama, decide what kind you want. If you want romance, decide how to get it. Decide who you want to pursue, and the next step in pursuing them.
This doesn't mean give up your day job. When you're walking to class, when you're waiting for lunch, hell, when you're sitting on the can, give it a moment of your time. This is what has happened already, this is what I want to do next. Then, when the opportunity presents itself, you'll save time by already knowing what you can do.
In short, stop worrying about not moving fast enough. Move at your own pace, and let the world be damned if they're in a hurry. Take your sweet time and enjoy every minute of it.
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