Adara Snow
Ravenclaw
Alumna 2012; Head Girl
love me dead
Posts: 1,498
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Post by Adara Snow on May 29, 2008 22:14:10 GMT -5
Adara closed her eyes a moment, just savoring the feel of his hand moving softly against her. She would tell him, she decided, but she would tell him as delicately as she could. Adara exhaled, then opened her eyes again, though her gaze remained low. "The day that I spoke with Ryan...I asked him how he knew that he wanted to marry his Gabby. He gave me reasons, and all that I could think was that it wasn't enough." She already felt far more for Emilian, though she had never defined it. Adara paused, waited for a reaction, for a tensing of muscles, a low curse, anything to tell her his thoughts.
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Post by Emilian Sota on May 29, 2008 22:26:16 GMT -5
Emilian's hand slowed in its motion against her hair. "He came here to buy the ring. He's clueless, asked to see my most expensive one. He has no idea what he's doing." He wanted to focus only on that, but he couldn't, not with the rest of what Adara had said. "What were his reasons?" And why aren't they enough?
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Adara Snow
Ravenclaw
Alumna 2012; Head Girl
love me dead
Posts: 1,498
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Post by Adara Snow on May 29, 2008 23:03:13 GMT -5
He still did not understand! Adara's emotions straddled a thin line between exasperation and pure relief. She lifted her gaze, less afraid now that she had approached the subject more than once and he had not pulled away, not become nervous as she was. "He said that it was because he is always thinking of her, because he wants to spend his time with her.
"He did not say that his chest burned, his breath caught, that he would hold her through pain and hurt, that he smiled every time she crossed his mind, that he wanted her to be happy no matter what, but at the same time yearned to hold her to him and keep her from the world and yet still be able to let her make mistakes on her own. He said nothing of sharing her dreams, knowing things that only the two of them would ever know. He said nothing of trusting in the face of all odds."
Adara wrapped her arms around herself, suddenly feeling exposed from all that she had said, from how close it was to declaring something she refused to acknowledge!
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Post by Emilian Sota on May 30, 2008 19:18:00 GMT -5
Emilian's hand stilled, dropping to Adara's back, as he listened. He recognized the little speech, it was the same as what he had said to her so long before, he was amazed that she remembered it. He went into himself even as he draped his arms lightly around her waist. His eyes were troubled, he had noticed the things she had added onto the end and he was afraid that he knew what they meant.
He chewed the inside of his cheek and his eyebrows came together, he didn't love Adara, and she didn't love him. But if that were true, then why did it bother her so much? He forgot to speak, he was too caught up in his thoughts to form words. Surely she was heading somewhere else with the conversation and he was just looking too far into it.
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Adara Snow
Ravenclaw
Alumna 2012; Head Girl
love me dead
Posts: 1,498
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Post by Adara Snow on May 30, 2008 19:46:37 GMT -5
He hadn't pulled away. Did he not understand? Did she dare to say more? She had set her heart out for his inspection, and she was unsure whether he had found it worthy. He had not pulled away. What did it mean? Adara looked aside at Emilian from beneath her lashes, noted the concentration on his face, the faraway look in his eyes. He recognized his words, she could see that much, but what of the rest?
She had stopped in the hopes that she would need to say no more, that his thoughts would follow hers and he would react or push the subject away. But he said nothing, and he continued to say nothing, so she bit her lip, searched her mind for something more, something that might relieve the tension building within her.
"I will be married some day," she said softly, broaching the subject, though every instinct railed at her to let it go, to change the subject while she and Emilian could still pretend that it had not occurred. "Speaking with Ryan reminded me of that. I will be married."
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Post by Emilian Sota on May 30, 2008 20:09:57 GMT -5
Emilian clenched his jaw and a strange feeling came over him. It was light, a sort of numbness, and he was keenly aware of his heartbeat. "Yes," he agreed, his mouth very dry. A thought played through his mind, of his Adara walking down the aisle to some tall, faceless stranger. His Adara, in the arms, in the bed of someone else. "So will I," he said, or maybe he didn't, perhaps he just thought it. He had always known he would, but he had figured it would be purely political, a status symbol only, with no binding laws holding him to whichever high-up woman he ended up with. And he had never thought it would happen sooner than thirty.
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Adara Snow
Ravenclaw
Alumna 2012; Head Girl
love me dead
Posts: 1,498
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Post by Adara Snow on May 30, 2008 20:29:48 GMT -5
Adara's heart felt as though it was being torn in two. Yes. That was all? No anger, no jealousy as she had seen on the street, no denial, only a simple acceptance. Adara was near tears, but she choked them back. Tears would do no good. Emilian did not love her, and he never would. She had to remind herself of that. His declaration of caring had made her forget. All at once, she pulled out of Emilian's arms and stood, rounding the couch to find her clothes. She was too exposed, far too exposed, and she needed to distance herself.
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Post by Emilian Sota on May 30, 2008 20:39:37 GMT -5
Emilian sat for a minute, almost not realizing that Adara had stood, before standing and pulling on his pants and walking over to her. He took a deep breath, "Do you...," he looked down and licked his lips. After a minute he looked back up at her. Do you love me? The question he wanted so badly to be answered stuck in his throat and refused to come out, but it showed easily in his eyes. "Some day is a long way away."
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Adara Snow
Ravenclaw
Alumna 2012; Head Girl
love me dead
Posts: 1,498
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Post by Adara Snow on May 30, 2008 20:53:15 GMT -5
Adara looked up as she smoothed her skirt, her eyes catching on Emilian's. She could see the question there, but she refused to believe that she had seen it, so she did not acknowledge it. She did not want to think about it anyway.
Some day. Yes, she knew, but she had not intended to wait until thirty. She had wondered at times if she had not been sent to school in order to find...Her gaze broke from Emilian's.
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Post by Emilian Sota on May 30, 2008 21:16:06 GMT -5
Emilian reached out and took her hands, "Is that what you want?" The question was soft and while he asked he tried to meet her eyes again. Emilian knew it was, everything she was doing pointed to it, he just wanted the confirmation. He wasn't going to ask her to marry him, he wasn't going to take that step, they were still too young, even if he didn't wait until thirty. They weren't even sure of the status of their current relationship or their feelings for each other, how could she expect....?
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Adara Snow
Ravenclaw
Alumna 2012; Head Girl
love me dead
Posts: 1,498
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Post by Adara Snow on May 30, 2008 21:29:47 GMT -5
"Some day," Adara said, allowing Emilian's gaze to catch hers again. She chewed her lip in silent debate, then went on, blinking, but not allowing herself to look away. "Before...I would have been happy to allow my father to choose for me." But now, knowing Emilian, she wanted to make the decision herself, and though it made no sense, even in her own mind, she now knew that she wanted the choice, and she knew what she would choose, if given that ability.
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Post by Emilian Sota on May 30, 2008 21:38:09 GMT -5
"You would never have been happy." Emilian had seen what happened behind the scenes of arranged marriages. On the outside they were great, everything ran smoothly, but behind the masks the two were unhappy, almost every time. "Not really." Something constricted in his chest at the idea of Adara being in a marriage with some man, just because her father thought it best. And would Adara have known that she didn't have to? Or would she have thought it her duty to be happy with the arrangement? His eyes begged the question again, the one he was too afraid to ask, the one that he didn't even know the answer to for himself.
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Adara Snow
Ravenclaw
Alumna 2012; Head Girl
love me dead
Posts: 1,498
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Post by Adara Snow on May 30, 2008 21:48:24 GMT -5
It was everything Adara could do not to look away with the unspoken question between them. But she would not say the words, even if everything pointed to one unshakeable answer. So she focused on the words they were saying, let them distance her, let herself, through those vague words, tell him as much as she dared to say on her own. "I would have been content," she said. "I would have had no other choice." Was there a choice now? She wanted desperately to know, she needed to know, but she could not ask any more than he could ask the question in his own mind.
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Post by Emilian Sota on May 30, 2008 22:00:29 GMT -5
"There's always another choice," Emilian murmured, and then took a breath. "I'm not going to ask you to marry me. If nothing else, we're both too young to be worrying about it." If nothing else, like what? Like the fact that he didn't even know if he wanted to get married, or that neither of them were emotionally ready.
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Adara Snow
Ravenclaw
Alumna 2012; Head Girl
love me dead
Posts: 1,498
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Post by Adara Snow on May 30, 2008 22:11:01 GMT -5
Adara felt as though she'd walked into a wall, the sudden bald admission stealing the breath from her lungs. She hadn't been fishing for a proposal. She had wanted some sign that there was a possibility, some day, perhaps years in the future, but that perhaps he might have considered it, even if only in the past minutes.
No, there was not always another choice, Adara thought, her gaze breaking from Emilian's at last, though she didn't pull her hands from his grasp. There was not another choice because she did not want another choice. She'd selfishly wanted something she could never have and convinced herself that if she wanted it enough, it would happen.
Adara could not speak now, did not trust herself to open her mouth. All her mental efforts were put toward fighting the hurricane of thoughts and dreams she was feeling back enough for her to cope with them.
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