Post by Alfred Scott on Oct 21, 2006 23:46:06 GMT -5
Okay, for those who don't know, Chuck Norris is an American who starred in the show Walker, Texas Ranger for about 10 years. The show is one of my favorites, but it has had a lot of critisism over the years for being corny, bad acting, and continued use of impossible events (like an old western). As a result, a lot of jokes have been made up about him. Le list:
Chuck Norris fought the law...and Chuck Norris won.
The Great Wall of China was originally created to keep Chuck Norris out. It failed miserably.
When Chuck Norris sends in his taxes, he sends blank forms and includes only a picture of himself, crouched and ready to attack. Chuck Norris has not had to pay taxes, ever.
The quickest way to a man's heart is with Chuck Norris' fist.
There is no theory of evolution, just a list of creatures Chuck Norris allows to live.
If you spell Chuck Norris in Scrabble, you win. Forever.
Chuck Norris once shot down a German fighter plane with his finger, by yelling, "Bang!"
Chuck Norris has two speeds: Walk and Kill.
Chuck Norris is not hung like a horse... horses are hung like Chuck Norris.
Time waits for no man. Unless that man is Chuck Norris.
Chuck Norris once ate a whole cake before his friends could tell him there was a stripper in it.
When Chuck Norris falls in water, Chuck Norris doesn't get wet. Water gets Chuck Norris.
Chuck Norris can divide by zero.
When an episode of Walker Texas Ranger was aired in France, the French surrendered to Chuck Norris just to be on the safe side.
Chuck Norris doesnt shave; he kicks himself in the face. The only thing that can cut Chuck Norris is Chuck Norris.
On his birthday, Chuck Norris randomly selects one lucky child and throws into the sun.
Chuck Norris and Mr. T walked into a bar. The bar was instantly destroyed, as that level of awesome cannot be contained in one building.
There are no weapons of mass destruction in Iraq, Chuck Norris lives in Oklahoma.
Chuck Norris played Russian Roulette with a fully loaded gun and won.
Superman wears Chuck Norris pajamas.
When Chuck Norris does a pushup, he isn't lifting himself up, he's pushing the Earth down.
Hellen Keller's favorite color is Chuck Norris.
Superman once watched an episode of Walker, Texas Ranger. He then cried himself to sleep.
There is no such thing as global warming. Chuck Norris was cold, so he turned the sun up.
Chuck Norris cannot love, he can only "not kill".
There is endless debate about the existence of the human soul. Well it does exist, and Chuck Norris finds it delicious.
Chuck Norris destroyed the periodic table, because Chuck Norris only recognizes the element of surprise.
As President Roosevelt said: "We have nothing to fear but fear itself. And Chuck Norris."
Chuck Norris is the only person to ever win a staring contest against Ray Charles and Stevie Wonder at the same time.
Industrial logging isn't the cause of deforestation. Chuck Norris needs toothpicks.
When God said, "let there be light", Chuck Norris said, "say 'please'."
Chuck Norris uses a night light. Not because Chuck Norris is afraid of the dark, but the dark is afraid of Chuck Norris.
Chuck Norris once went skydiving, but promised never to do it again. One Grand Canyon is enough.
In a fight between Batman and Darth Vader, the winner would be Chuck Norris.
Chuck Norris doesnt wear a watch, HE decides what time it is.
Staring at Chuck Norris for extended periods of time without proper eye protection will cause blindess, and possibly foot sized brusies on the face.
When Chuck Norris works out on the Total Gym, the Total Gym feels like it's been raped.
There are two types of people in the world... people that die, and Chuck Norris.
182,000 Americans die from Chuck Norris-related accidents every year..
Chuck Norris once ordered a steak in a restaurant. The steak did what it was told.
Chuck Norris sleeps with a pillow under his gun.
Aliens DO indeed exist. They just know better than to visit a planet that Chuck Norris is on.
A man once asked Chuck Norris if his real name is "Charles". Chuck Norris did not respond, he simply stared at him until he exploded.
When Chuck Norris goes to out to eat, he orders a whole chicken, but he only eats its soul.
Chuck Norris will never have a heart attack. His heart isn't nearly foolish enough to attack Chuck Norris.
Only Chuck Norris can prevent forest fires.
Chuck Norris does not wear a condom. Because there is no such thing as protection from Chuck Norris.
The best part of waking up is not Folgers in your cup, but knowing that Chuck Norris didn't kill you in your sleep.
When Chuck Norris was born, the only person who cried was the doctor. Never slap Chuck Norris.
Lightning never strikes twice in one place because Chuck Norris is looking for it.
When the boogeyman goes to sleep every night, he checks his closet for Chuck Norris.
They say that the tears of Chuck Norris can cure cancer. It's too bad Chuck Norris never cries.
Who I'd like to meet:
Chuck Norris does not meet people. He finds them and mercilously slays them.
Chuck Norris fought the law...and Chuck Norris won.
The Great Wall of China was originally created to keep Chuck Norris out. It failed miserably.
When Chuck Norris sends in his taxes, he sends blank forms and includes only a picture of himself, crouched and ready to attack. Chuck Norris has not had to pay taxes, ever.
The quickest way to a man's heart is with Chuck Norris' fist.
There is no theory of evolution, just a list of creatures Chuck Norris allows to live.
If you spell Chuck Norris in Scrabble, you win. Forever.
Chuck Norris once shot down a German fighter plane with his finger, by yelling, "Bang!"
Chuck Norris has two speeds: Walk and Kill.
Chuck Norris is not hung like a horse... horses are hung like Chuck Norris.
Time waits for no man. Unless that man is Chuck Norris.
Chuck Norris once ate a whole cake before his friends could tell him there was a stripper in it.
When Chuck Norris falls in water, Chuck Norris doesn't get wet. Water gets Chuck Norris.
Chuck Norris can divide by zero.
When an episode of Walker Texas Ranger was aired in France, the French surrendered to Chuck Norris just to be on the safe side.
Chuck Norris doesnt shave; he kicks himself in the face. The only thing that can cut Chuck Norris is Chuck Norris.
On his birthday, Chuck Norris randomly selects one lucky child and throws into the sun.
Chuck Norris and Mr. T walked into a bar. The bar was instantly destroyed, as that level of awesome cannot be contained in one building.
There are no weapons of mass destruction in Iraq, Chuck Norris lives in Oklahoma.
Chuck Norris played Russian Roulette with a fully loaded gun and won.
Superman wears Chuck Norris pajamas.
When Chuck Norris does a pushup, he isn't lifting himself up, he's pushing the Earth down.
Hellen Keller's favorite color is Chuck Norris.
Superman once watched an episode of Walker, Texas Ranger. He then cried himself to sleep.
There is no such thing as global warming. Chuck Norris was cold, so he turned the sun up.
Chuck Norris cannot love, he can only "not kill".
There is endless debate about the existence of the human soul. Well it does exist, and Chuck Norris finds it delicious.
Chuck Norris destroyed the periodic table, because Chuck Norris only recognizes the element of surprise.
As President Roosevelt said: "We have nothing to fear but fear itself. And Chuck Norris."
Chuck Norris is the only person to ever win a staring contest against Ray Charles and Stevie Wonder at the same time.
Industrial logging isn't the cause of deforestation. Chuck Norris needs toothpicks.
When God said, "let there be light", Chuck Norris said, "say 'please'."
Chuck Norris uses a night light. Not because Chuck Norris is afraid of the dark, but the dark is afraid of Chuck Norris.
Chuck Norris once went skydiving, but promised never to do it again. One Grand Canyon is enough.
In a fight between Batman and Darth Vader, the winner would be Chuck Norris.
Chuck Norris doesnt wear a watch, HE decides what time it is.
Staring at Chuck Norris for extended periods of time without proper eye protection will cause blindess, and possibly foot sized brusies on the face.
When Chuck Norris works out on the Total Gym, the Total Gym feels like it's been raped.
There are two types of people in the world... people that die, and Chuck Norris.
182,000 Americans die from Chuck Norris-related accidents every year..
Chuck Norris once ordered a steak in a restaurant. The steak did what it was told.
Chuck Norris sleeps with a pillow under his gun.
Aliens DO indeed exist. They just know better than to visit a planet that Chuck Norris is on.
A man once asked Chuck Norris if his real name is "Charles". Chuck Norris did not respond, he simply stared at him until he exploded.
When Chuck Norris goes to out to eat, he orders a whole chicken, but he only eats its soul.
Chuck Norris will never have a heart attack. His heart isn't nearly foolish enough to attack Chuck Norris.
Only Chuck Norris can prevent forest fires.
Chuck Norris does not wear a condom. Because there is no such thing as protection from Chuck Norris.
The best part of waking up is not Folgers in your cup, but knowing that Chuck Norris didn't kill you in your sleep.
When Chuck Norris was born, the only person who cried was the doctor. Never slap Chuck Norris.
Lightning never strikes twice in one place because Chuck Norris is looking for it.
When the boogeyman goes to sleep every night, he checks his closet for Chuck Norris.
They say that the tears of Chuck Norris can cure cancer. It's too bad Chuck Norris never cries.
Who I'd like to meet:
Chuck Norris does not meet people. He finds them and mercilously slays them.
