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Post by Rhys Moreau on Aug 1, 2012 22:46:01 GMT -5
Rhys shook his head. Matthew shouldn't have to deal with this, he deserved someone that could think of their parents without nearly breaking and that could wake up in the morning with a clear head. "He showed up with this bear and a few other things," he said, picking a piece of fuzz off the bear's head. "Said he wants to collar me so I know I'm protected. He's good to me."
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Post by Dare Blackwood-Hardt on Aug 1, 2012 23:07:03 GMT -5
"Yeah," Dare said. "Forever's a scary-ass place, but I think he means it." He paused, thinking back to the bits and pieces that Matthew had told him yesterday morning. His thoughts use examples he's seen against him.
"I still love Michael," he said, though it wasn't as big a jump as it might sound like. "I stayed with him after the party, all night, didn't want to leave. I love him, even if we can't live together right now. It wasn't just lust, I wouldn't believe myself even if I tried to lie about it."
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Post by Rhys Moreau on Aug 1, 2012 23:31:55 GMT -5
Rhys looked up at Dare. That was something he had needed to hear. But if love isn't enough... His eyebrows creased and he hugged the bear tightly. "What's it like to love someone and not hate yourself for it?" he asked softly, though he didn't look up at Dare when he asked.
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Post by Dare Blackwood-Hardt on Aug 1, 2012 23:51:13 GMT -5
Dare sighed and leaned back into the couch. "It's amazing," he admitted. He looked out into the room, but all he saw was scenes from the past. "It's like being free, really free. Yeah, sometimes you're scared. I always tried to protect him, you know? I always put him first, and that's part of our problem. I'd always promised him I'd put him first, I'd take care of him, and he took me at my word, because he loved me, and he knew I loved him. I needed taken care of too, but I'd shove my crap aside because that's what I've always done. And when I started cutting, he didn't know.
"We were dealing with his problems and I wasn't talking, and there was sh~ that happened years ago that I never talked about with him. I still haven't, and now there's so much going on, that we've got to get through other stuff before we can get to it.
"It went against everything for us to trust each other. We both had crap we felt guilty for, and he knew, he just knew that of all the crap he'd done before we ever met, something would come out some time that I'd leave him for. I didn't, he told me stuff that knocked the breath out of me, stuff I could hardly wrap my mind around, but I didn't love him for being ah a~hole for however many years. I loved him because he was strong, because I felt safe with him.
"It takes a leap of faith to get there, and yeah, this is the worst we've been together, but we've fallen in love with each other about a hundred times. We don't want the same things right now, but I don't think I could love anyone else like I love him."
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Post by Rhys Moreau on Aug 2, 2012 0:07:30 GMT -5
Men don't cry. But there was that feeling at the bridge of his nose, anyway. "I love him so much, but I wake up every morning thinking it's wrong, or that maybe it isn't real. He makes me feel good, sometimes...sometimes it's like nothing could ever go wrong, but then it's gone as soon as it comes." He lived for those moments when it felt like everything was right.
"Sometimes I just can't believe it's possible, I was told for years that it wasn't, that gay couples can't feel the same that straight ones do. How do we know if it's different?" There was a flood of thoughts and he pressed the heels of his hands roughly against his eyes. "I can't put my finger on why I love him, and I have no idea why he'd love me like that."
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Post by Dare Blackwood-Hardt on Aug 2, 2012 0:15:28 GMT -5
"And Michael never understood why I loved him," Dare said, "and when I was going through a breakdown, I didn't know why he'd care if I lived or died. But he did. I've been with my share of girls, and I almost fell in love a couple times. But I didn't. I don't love Michael because he's hung, I love him because I love him. We used to bring out the best of each other."
They had. He'd been sunk so deeply that he'd clung to Michael like a lifeline, and Michael had clung right back. Maybe he was a ray of light for Michael, but Michael had been his anchor. They'd given to each other, both of them, as selflessly as each of them knew how, and it was what they'd needed.
"You don't have to see God to know He's there," Dare said, trying to find an explanation that Rhys could relate to. "But you feel it anyway. You don't have to know why he loves you. He just does."
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Post by Rhys Moreau on Aug 2, 2012 12:06:07 GMT -5
Rhys nodded. He had wondered about religion in the past, about why he had gotten back into it. But he'd needed it, just like he needed Matthew, just like he needed help. "If it wasn't for him I don't think I would have survived this whole thing, but I also don't think it would have happened if I didn't know him. I mean, at first telling you guys was great. It was amazing to have people to talk to and to be able to get it all out. Then it just hit hard and I just couldn't handle it.
"I don't want to be put on pills, but if I can't even be trusted around scissors..." He shook his head and played at one of the bear's ears. "When I told him I'd locked everything up there wasn't anything but worry in his eyes." No judgment, no anger.
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Post by Dare Blackwood-Hardt on Aug 2, 2012 13:14:23 GMT -5
Because he loves you, Dare didn't say. It was there, all the same. Rhys knew it when he'd said the words. "Have you thought about seeing someone? Like, a counselor you choose, someone who listens and you don't have to care what he thinks about it. Someone who won't shove his own ideas of perfection down your throat."
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Post by Rhys Moreau on Aug 2, 2012 13:43:28 GMT -5
"Not until recently," Rhys said. "The hospital where I was held on watch had a good therapist there, but he was only there for patients and I was still living with my parents, anyway. Matthew says he's going to help me look for a wizard therapist, that way I don't have to hide anything about all of this. I'm kind of afraid of talking to someone, I don't really know how to be normal. Like really normal, not fake normal." He had learned how to fake normal.
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Post by Dare Blackwood-Hardt on Aug 2, 2012 13:59:34 GMT -5
Fake normal. Sadly, that made sense to Dare. He'd only been through periods when he'd been hiding things, but he thought he understood. "I don't believe in normal," he said. "Everyone's inner freak is different, but it's there."
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Post by Rhys Moreau on Aug 2, 2012 14:06:21 GMT -5
"Matthew's inner freak must be quite nice and without many issues," Rhys said. He managed a small smile. Then he was quiet for a bit and reached out to pet Elouai again. "Thank you for talking. I'm going to try not to let myself lock up in the bedroom all the time."
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Post by Dare Blackwood-Hardt on Aug 2, 2012 14:10:04 GMT -5
Dare nodded. "Might be a good idea to leave the door cracked, if you don't mind Elouai lying down next to you. I'll give you space." It would be privacy that way, but not so much that he could easily sink again. Dare thought he'd leave his own door cracked too. He didn't know if Rhys would appreciate the feeling of having him nearby, but it would make him feel better.
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